How to Help

Holy shit.  This day has been insane.  As you may know, my mother's house was completely taken by a tornado May 24, 2011.  It was the single most stressful and heartbreaking experience of my life thus far.  I figured I'd make a nice guide for people who (like most of us) are sitting staring at endless hours of TV and internet footage of devastation wondering how in the hell they can help.

Donations:  people always think of the same things to donate, and these are helpful things, but then when everyone gives the same stuff, you end up like my mother with a lifetime supply of deodorant, soap, and canned food, but none of the other important or not-so-important things that would also mean the world to a person that just lost everything.  

So, my advice on those things that are less donated but much appreciated:

Bins.  Big ole nice plastic bins.  If your house is still kind of there (as most of mom's was, in the other ditch), you will be digging through the rubble trying to salvage important things.  You'll need a nice place to put those things until you have a house again.  If your house is totally wiped off the map with no trace, you will still need places to keep the donations you receive.

Anything for pets.  When you are so devastated, it can be a great comfort to know that your fur babies are as comfortable as you can make them.  Pet food is needed, and things like bowls, leashes, and beds are great.  It made mom really happy to get a nice cat bed from one of the donation sites.

Medicine.  Everyone seemed to give first aid type things like neosporin, gauze, aspirin.  But people still need things like allergy pills, midol, migraine meds, pepto, etc.

Uneccessary shit to make you feel better.  Things like makeup, nail polish, hair dryers (mom was happy to get this), curling irons.  The first bit after you lose everything you are just in shock, but once you get to the point of trying to put things back together it can feel amazing to "pretty up" a bit, even though it seemed to silly and unnecessary at first.

Home-y stuff.  Your entire house is gone.  At first it seems like homelessness is all you'll know for a while, but after a bit you want to start thinking of rebuilding your life.  Sheet sets, silverware sets, trash cans, things like this help you to start to see that you will recover, eventually.

If you know someone or have anywhere to give something directly to those affected, the greatest thing EVER is GIFTCARDS.  When you've lost everything it feels good to get things from shelters and donation sites but it feels even better to go pick out new things yourself.

All I can say is that it was amazing to see how people can come together to help.  And also, occasionally amazing to see how people DIDN'T come together.  Its a time for learning how incredible humanity in general really is (enough that you can forget the small bits of assholishness you see from some of the people you thought cared about you).

Other than donations, after the rescues are finished and they can clear up the most dangerous debris, people need help sifting through the wreckage, and it can feel so good to have able bodies show up and offer to help in any way.  It is physically and emotionally exhausting to go through the broken pieces of your belongings.  But one thing here:  follow the rules set up by the homeowners.  Don't assume something is trash unless they ok it.  Let them tell you what to do and not to do.  

Now one more thing.  People will come out in DROVES at first.  The next couple of days will be an outpouring.  But this takes time.  And I would say to you, unless you know someone to go help immediately, wait to go help.  The May 24th tornado was on a Tuesday.  Wednesday we had a shitload of help.  Thursday we had a fair amount.  Saturday and Sunday, being the weekend, we had a lot of help.  But Friday?  Well, by that point, people couldn't afford to take off work anymore.  And the stress at that point on my mother and I, after 3 pretty much sleepless night and 3 very very stressful days in the hot sun sifting through dead animals and ruined memories was almost unbearable.  I remember my sister-in-law taking mom into town to get her away for a little bit, and my brother and I were alone on the pile of what once was a part of my home, and I just broke down.  I couldn't take anymore and it was so lonely.  So, this bout today was on a Monday.  I hope that people have not forgotten how much help these people will need by Thursday or Friday.  I hope they don't have such a horribly lonesome, hopeless moment like that.

Efoa?

Let's just say a few things about life right now.

Last week in Seattle for my ARVO conference was amazing.  The city is beautiful, I had a great time with my science-y friends, and my talk went great.  I've never felt so confident in front of a group of scientists.  I knew my research, I knew my talk, and the propanalol didn't hurt anything..... (shhhh....better living through chemistry).  I ate seafood every day and loved it, found out that there's a huge difference between the taste of different oysters (this restaurant had like 50 different ones to choose from, it was insane), found out how amazing fresh mussels are, and that I don't really prefer clams.  Ok, there's a lot more, but I'll put up a photo-rific post later on all of it.  Oh, and my phone was lost and/or stolen.  Luckily I had uploaded most of my pictures to my computer, but I still lost two amazing days' worth.  Wah waaaaaah.

Then, I get back.  And study, study, study.  For naught.  I did NOT pass this time on my oral exam.  It was a disaster and I don't even want to think about it.  Dr. Ding forced me (for good reason, I know) to think it over and write down the questions I didn't answer well, but after I did that I just wanted to forget for a while.  And so, I will come back to that list in a week.  Or two.  Or three.  There were four of us that took it and 2 passed.  Now on to my rewrite of my proposal, which I guess better be awesome possum after that fiasco.  I believe I will have to retake the oral in August, which means several more months of stress and studying.  Yay.

I'm going to ask Dr. Ding today for time off starting the end of next week, and Derrick and I are going to visit his sister in Ohio.  I want to go see my family, but since he has no one but Vasty in this entire countrycontinent, I decided my family can come later in the summer.  Hopefully I can use that time to destress, unwind, and forget about this b.s. for a little bit.  I haven't had a true, real vacation since school started.  I only took 3 days for my damn honeymoon for godsakes, and 12 hours of those three days were spent driving.  So if she doesn't approve after I ask her, I'm just going to have to TELL her I'm going.  Should be fun, but she's tiger-mom-dissappointed in me already for my exam so meh.

Other than that, I'm having ridiculous mood swings between sadness/anger/joy over my exam, my hatred of being in the lab right now, and my rather cute boyfriend.  Also, at my counselor's urging, last night began my two weeks of NO TV.  I waste too much time on it, and I need to do other things.  Yesterday evening was spent listening to music, playing in our new garden (pics to come), chatting, and eating the delicious red-red that I proudly made from scratch with no help from any Africans.  It was much better than previous nights of endless staring at a box.  I will have to break this two week stint for one thing though...the season finale of Bates Motel next Monday. 

Ok, off to actually work, and then the dreaded task of asking for vacation after spending a week in Seattle and then failing my test.  Yay.

Fuck you.

Its been an awful week.  For the country, and for me.  Boston bombing, tornadoes, explosions, bullshit.  I've been struggling to maintain a positive outlook on school and work, then as soon as I get there I deal with shit from my boss and shit from my exam committee.  I spent the entire day today either shaking from anger or crying from stress.

So, in this mood, I almost got into several full blown Facebook fights.  Stupid.  But JESUS CHRIST (heh) Christianity sometimes really seems to be what is wrong with this fucking country.  I'm going to go on an angry rant here, and probably make some generalizations I wouldn't normally make just because I'm so super peeved.

Let's start with gay marriage.  Who the fuck are you to say anything about it?  Who the fuck are you to care?  It has NOTHING, and I repeat, NOOOOOTTTTHHHIIIINNGG to do with you unless you really want it to.  Don't like gays?  Don't hang out with them.  Don't watch LOGO.  Don't get married to someone of your sex.  Boom.  Done.  There is absolutely no reason why it shouldn't be legal.  Oh sorry, I meant no good reason.  There are actually 2 reasons.  1. Its against your religion.  So fucking what?  Its also against your religion to lie, to touch a woman on her period, to eat shellfish, or to be greedy.  We gonna outlaw that shit?  NO.  2. Its icky.  Well, there are a shitload of people that I think are icky and shouldn't be having sex.  But I'm not going to tell them not to, because I DON'T HAVE TO WATCH OR BE INVOLVED IN ANY WAY.  So fuck you.

What's next?  How about abstinence only education?  Or no sex ed at all, because no teenager should be learning that shit!  Look it up people, that shit doesn't work.  Teens have sex.  Sure, not all of them.  But a lot of them will.  And if they don't know anything about it, they're going to get pregnant or get STDs.  Look at the statistics of teen pregnancy rates in states with comprehensive sex ed compared with abstinence only, then tell me what you think.  Fuck you.

Abortion.  If you think a sperm meeting with an egg makes a human life right off the bat?  I've got nothing to say to you, except get some fucking education.  Also, if you think sucking a ball of cells out of a woman's vagina is worse than a person having a kid they can't or don't want to take care of, I got nothing to say to you either.  It seems to be true with many I talk to that they only care about a baby until its actually born, then they don't give a shit what happens to it.  So, fuck you.

I got a lot more fuck you in me, but I think I'll let it rest for now and get my blood pressure down by taking a shower with a hot African guy then studying chromatin immunoprecipitation while listening to reggae.

On Breasts

I think about boobs a lot.  Mainly because a. they're awesome and b. mine are constantly in the way or bothering me in some way.  I've never in my life owned a bra that was comfortable for more than 3 hours.  I've gained a lot of weight since starting grad school and it has made these things ginormous, which, when added to the giant backpack I carry with me all the time now that every spare minute should be study time--equals back pain.  I can't buy cute bras.  In fact, I can't buy bras from anywhere except Lane Bryant and Frederick's of Hollywood.  Victoria's Secret gave up on me a couple cup sizes ago.  But still, I love these things, and I want to take care of them.  The main issue is that I've come to a point that, when I've been wearing them too many hours of the day for too many days in a row, I get this searing, awful cramp right between my breasts, right over the sternum, that is so bad it literally takes my breath away.  I am not a pussy when it comes to pain, having dealt with periods from hell for decades, but this is unbearable.  I want to cry but I can't even do that, I just sit there hitting myself in the sternum, struggling to breathe.  The first time (in undergrad) I thought I was having a heart attack until I calmed down enough to realize that it was just muscle pain.  It doesn't happen often, but that's really only because generally I put on my bra last thing in the morning and take it off as soon as I get home.

So, I saw a headline about bras not being so good for you after all.  Of course, science in the news is always condensed and misread, and people take good work and turn it into "bananas definitely cause cancer!!!!!!!". "Eat raspberries and you'll NEVER DIE!"  So, I went and read some studies.

The claim that bras are a risk factor for cancer is not really established.  The claim is that, by not allowing breast to move naturally, the lymphatic flow is disturbed, which could lead to an increased risk.  This isn't really shown, as surgeries that completely block the lymphatic flow do not lead to increased cancer rates.  So, this is not a good enough reason to go bra free.

However, I have been reading about breast ligaments.  It has been shown in several studies that women who went bra free, even during physical activity, showed a great increase in breast perkiness and a decrease in breast and back pain.  The distance from nipple to shoulder was decreased in a large majority of the women, regardless of breast size.  Their shoulder muscles were more developed.

Ligaments, when not in use, will atrophy, this is known.  What people don't think about is that there are ligaments in the breast, and stretching of these is a major contributor to saggy boobies.   Well, if you're constantly hiking those babies up in a contraption, these ligaments are not in use!  Of all the studies I looked at, the recommendation was to limit your bra use as much as possible, even during sports.  The only thing was that if  you have rather large breasts (ahem, me), and you will be doing a rigorous activity that will cause a lot of major bouncing, you should wear a sports bra to limit the throwing around of tits, as this could lead to stretching the ligaments (as you would know if you ever, ever saw a girl like me jump up and down without any support.  But there's no need for a completely constricting sports bra for even this kind of activity, just enough to keep the full weight of those girls from slamming down.

So, in light of this, I've begun an experiment.  I went bra free yesterday.  I will be using nothing but those flimsy little camisoles that barely contain me and an occasional sports bra if I'm gonna be running and jumping (won't be too often until I get my exams done).  And I'll be taking pictures to see if it does indeed change my perk factor.  I'll be taking notes on my back pain and breast tenderness.  I plan on going until my conference at ARVO starting May 4th(gotta look professional, gotta hike em up), and see how I feel up until that point as to whether I want to continue or not.

One full day into the experiment, I will say that I LOVE not wearing a bra.  God it feels good.  I'm working on improving my posture, as I have gotten to the point where hunching over was the best way to improve the pain from my bra straps.  But I can already tell that I'm improving subconsciously.  So, we'll see how it goes.  Maybe in a week I'll say fuck it and realize it ain't worth it.  Maybe I'll never buy another torture device again.  All I know is I love these girls and I gotta do right by them.

I have had an abortion.

More people need to know this.  More people need to speak up and say it.  More people need to realize that one in three American women have had one.  More people need to realize that 70% of abortions in America are performed on Christians.

Let me tell you about my abortion.  Let me tell you about what was wrong, and what needs to change.

I was 16 and stupid.  My mother wouldn't talk to me after she found out.  She told me I had no choice, abortion or nothing.  I resented this for years, this lack of choice.  Its funny, when so many people have to resent the opposite choice.  I would have come to this decision on my own, but being told that it was not my decision to make, about my own body, was infuriating--especially at an age where you want freedom from your parents.

My boyfriend was supportive.  He got his very first job just so he could pay for half of it.  Before we told our parents I had extensively researched everything.  I found that abortions in Oklahoma would end up costing about $2000, which none of us could afford.  But the Planned Parenthood in California could do it for $300.  So, a plan was made after the parents were told that I would have to wait until summer vacation, and get an abortion while pretending to enjoy family time and lovely weather on the west coast.

Before I went to California, I spent several days with my grandparents.  I had morning sickness the entire time, and could barely keep anything down.  My brother tried to help me, telling me not to order the tub of popcorn and Twizzlers at the movie theater....which I ended up puking up in the middle of the X-Files movie.  Had thrown up strawberry waffles that morning--this day resulted in me hating my favorite fruit for many months.

Once in California, we made excuses for the younger cousins, who went to spend the day at the water park. My mother, grandmother, and aunt accompanied me to the clinic.  It was inside a large building, and you had to check in through the bullet proof glass window that made it feel like a dirty late night convenience store.  Give them your money (all of my savings plus my boyfriend's savings from McDonald's), go through the metal detector and the double bullet-proof glass doors, and sit in the waiting room silently while my other family members tried to talk to my mother.

I had this idea of the baby, we had named "her" Aubrey.  I carried a little ceramic bear with me, imagining that her soul would go into it.  I still have the bear, even though the thought of all of that seems so silly now.

I was called back alone, scared shitless.  I logically know the place was clean and sterile, but in my memory it is dark and dirty.  I peed into a cup for the pregnancy test, put on the hospital gown, and waited.  Then they did an ultrasound, which the nurse made sure I could not see.  She put in my IV.  I had never had an IV before and I hated it.  Then, the doctor came in.  I don't remember whether he talked to me or not, I just remember trying not to pay attention.  When the suction started it hurt like hell, but I've always had horribly painful period cramps so it wasn't anything too awful for me.  The worst was seeing the red going down into the tube that led to a biohazard bag.  Thinking that it was a baby and it was going to be nothing but waste.

After it was done I laid in a bed for them to check my bleeding.  I was so nauseous and woozy.  I was alone, even though there was another girl on the bed beside mine.  She was throwing up.  I never did.

The nurse sent me on my way with a bag of condoms, which my mother promptly took from me.  My aunt told her to let me keep them so this didn't happen again, but she didn't.  I went home, where Mom gave me Valium and let me call my boyfriend for just a minute.  Then I slept the rest of the day.

I didn't get to have much fun on the rest of the vacation.  The pills they put me on afterwards made me sensitive to sunlight, and the doctor had told me not to do much strenuous activity.

My blood type is A-, which no one knew at the time.  I should have had an RH factor shot to make sure I won't have miscarriages in the future.  I got one a week later, but I'm still scared this was too late.  I should probably figure that out.

I was supposed to have a follow up appointment to make sure everything was ok, but I never did get one.

In the end, I'm glad I had an abortion.  At this point in my life I would have a 15 year old child.  Can you imagine?  I sure as hell can't.

But I will tell you this.  They could make it easier.  The fucking protesters that force the clinics to become prison-like to keep out the guns and bombs.  How are you pro-life if every time a woman goes to the clinic she has to worry about being murdered?

And the stigma has got to stop.  You know someone who has had an abortion.  In fact, you probably know many people.  But all of us feel so alone, because none of us speak up.  So I'm here to say, I've had an abortion, I'm glad I did, and if I could I would do it over again (well, ideally I would have used protection every time in high school, but hey).

The most important thing here is that we need comprehensive sexual education for all children.  We are built, biologically, to want sex.  If you think just telling your kid "don't do it" will cut it, think again.  I had no, NO sexual education of any kind.  My family never talked about it.  It was never mentioned in school.  I didn't even know the penis inserted INTO the vagina until about a year before I lost my virginity.  Wonder why I didn't fully understand the sperm/egg interaction enough to not get pregnant?  If you do not teach them, you are left with children that believe things like "you get pregnant when you swallow the sperm" or "you can't get pregnant your first time".

I'm not sure how to effectively end this.  Here are the links that led me to write this today:

http://www.vice.com/read/about-my-abortion?utm_source=vicefbus

http://katrinagalore.blogspot.com/2008/11/no-one-ever-changes-their-mind-about.html

http://bitchmagazine.org/article/full-frontal-offense/

They are trying to take away our rights.  They are trying, every day, to tell us what we can do with our own bodies.  The only way to fight this is to speak up.  To demand change.  To show them that we will not be beaten down and treated like second class citizens.

Now, I'm going to go finish work so I can enjoy my sun filled, relaxing birthday weekend in the woods.

Grateful

I know there's still a lot of hurt and anger over my divorce, from many people.  But I would like to say one thing about it, then I will try to move on and let this blog only reflect my present.

Looking back at all the blogs I've kept, I see a startling link between them.  I was constantly complaining that I almost never had anything good to say.  I came to them to write when I was upset, panicked, apathetic,  or miserable.

My ex was pretty much the same.  Every year seemed to get worse than the last.  Shit just seemed to fall all around us, and our perspective was skewed by our unhappiness.  It was never that more bad things happened to us, it was just that we didn't have a foundation underneath us that we could count on when these things came.

Now....bad things come, I let them flow over me.  I may get momentarily upset, may cry a bit or freak out for an hour or two.  But I never go to bed unhappy.  I don't let things get to me for days/weeks/months/years at a time.  I have a foundation of happiness built up underneath it all, and it makes the worst things seem manageable.  I hope that it is true for my ex, too.

So, right now, I'm letting my life be filled with gratitude.  Every day I am constantly amazed by how good life is, even with the bad shit thrown in.  Bad things only serve to highlight the good.

So, today, I am grateful for my boss finally backing off a bit and realizing I may have too much work to be able to study effectively.  I'm thankful for the Charles River rep who promised to mail me the nude mice posters I've been wanting for years now (nudist colonies!!!!! totally getting framed for the house, Derrick better like it).  I'm thankful for my birthday weekend and a couple days of relaxation (although my study materials will be joining us, I can't afford even one full day off right now).  I'm thankful for my Mom, who, as Derrick said "is way too good to us."  I'm thankful for all of my classmates--we seem to be the only year that sticks together and supports each other as much as we do.  I'm thankful for our new house, and all the things that make it a place I love to be.  I'm thankful for Derrick, who helps me to be more cognizant of all of the good things, and to slow down and notice the beauty in everything.  And today, most of all I'm thankful for spring.  If it weren't for my damn exams I would be spending every single night riding bikes with D and every single weekend hiking.  C'mon May!

Life

Life is good.  Work/school?  Not good, but not awful.  Still struggling with whether I should be doing this shiz.

Had a presentation today.  We have a yearly graduate/postdoc symposium, and I really, really did not want to do it this year.  Hardly anyone from our year participated since we are in the middle of general exams, and no one from my year or department did.  But, alas, I do agree with my mentor that I need as much practice as I can get, to get over my ridiculous stage fright.  So, on I went.  Same problems as always, I talk far too fast because I'm so nervous.  But, my postdoc did mention that I did far, far better than last year's symposium, so that's pretty good.  I didn't turn bright red and get all sweaty, I just talked too fast and my voice shook a little.  At some point I'll be a pro! (I guess)  I just hope I can get my shit together for the international meeting next month.  Eek!

I got my proposal turned in.  It wasn't entirely done, but as one of my committee members said, a grant is never done, you just finally give up.  I was angry with myself when I realized I never explained one of my experiments, but we get one rewrite, so I'll just wait for my paper back from my committee covered in red ink.  I was in lab until 3:30am Sunday night finishing it.  Fun times.

We are moved in.  I haven't gotten all of my things from my old apartment, but the apartment Derrick and I were in is done.  Now we're staying in a new house filled with boxes and we have no idea where anything is. So, we've made a deal that every night before we chill on the couch we have to do a minimum of 30 minutes of unpacking.  Which turned into way more than that last night.  I was working on 3 hours of sleep from Sunday night.  Got home yesterday and Derrick and I went for a nice, lovely, long bike ride because the weather was beautiful and we knew it would be shitty for the next few day.  Ended up walking along a dirty creek bed on Portland and then riding over to eat at Gopuram, where we ate waaaaay too much Indian food and drank waaaaay too delicious mango lassis.  So, since we had to make the dreaded bike ride home when we could barely walk, we spent a ridic amount of time wandering through Dollar Tree to let the food settle in.  D was very pleased to find some bamboo windchimes, he had been admiring the neighbors' and my mother's and decided we needed the pretty noise around the house.  Got some air fresheners because our new house still smells like old people from the last tenants.  That should go away once we get the kitchen together, since all Derrick's homes end up smelling like delicious spices. (or as some people put it..."cooked food")  Then we headed home and listened to my old college mix CDs and unpacked until I realized it was midnight.

Finally got the gas turned on, we should have hot water today!  We haven't had a regular shower schedule for over a week now...just getting them in when we went to the old apartment to pack.  It will be nice to change to clean sheets and fall into bed after a hot shower again.  The joys of moving!

I want to keep track of the house things we do.  We are so excited about having a house all to ourselves with a real live backyard, I'd love to keep track of the progress.  Of course, I need a better phone to actually get good pictures with, but hopefully that's coming soon.  Gardening blogs soon, people!

After these last few crazy, tiring weeks...my birthday is coming up this weekend!!!  And to celebrate, we're taking a long weekend trip to Beaver's Bend State Park down in Broken Bow.  Its in the far southeast corner of the state, which I've never really been to.  We have a cabin and I plan to get this African boy on a horse.  I haven't ridden in soooo long and the first time he ever even touched a horse was just a few weeks ago when we pulled over to the side of a random dirt road to pet some.  It should be amazing, the highs are in the 70s all weekend and the lows are in the 50s.  A far cry from this rainy, cold ass day today.  We were going hiking every single weekend for months, but with my proposal and moving we haven't been in quite a bit.  Its exactly what we need right now, we cannot wait.

Ok, that's enough for now.  Other than the stresses of work and school, my life is amazing still.  Now I'm going to head home and get some more unpacking done, and dream of nicer weather so I can get on my bike again.