On Sickness

I can't remember what it was like to not be tired. I know this started in college. I went to the doctor after reading about chronic fatigue syndrome somewhere, knowing that I must have that, but he didn't seem to believe that it was real. I've been to allergists, got my allergy shots, hoping that would help. I did elimination diets that made me have daily migraines and made me see food as my enemy. But in the end, every time, I just felt defeated and hopeless about it. Like it was all in my head and I really was just the laziest person in the world. Boo hoo, Lynsie is tired after 10 hours of sleep and feels unable to cope with 8 hour workdays and the small task of doing the laundry. Being tired sucks. But the worst is constant brain fog. When you have a job that requires algebra on a daily basis and you always (ALWAYS) feel like you are trying to think through a head full of cotton, it means that mistakes are going to be made that make your boss look at you like you just might be mentally handicapped. When I try to focus it feels like I'm swimming through algae infested muddy water trying to see my ideas through the haze. But as it goes on, for years, the excuses start to sound stale and you begin to believe that it really is all your fault for just being a lazy brat. But maybe, just maybe, I will feel a small bit of vindication this week. What if all of this is caused by fucking genetics? What it my father's family not only gave me the lovely gift of being allergic to everything under the sun, but also the gift of a fucked up thyroid gland? If this is true, and taking the pills is going to make as large a difference as people have told me it will, I'm going to feel two things. Happiness, joy, hope, that finally I can get out of this funk and that it wasn't totally my lazy ass fault. And anger, sadness, and frustration at the years I have lost when I could have been so much happier and more productive in all parts of my life. But we'll see after I get the bloodwork back.

Hibernation

So, I apologize to all those who I have yet to fully thank for wedding gifts, or those that I haven't seen in some time, or any emails, texts, or voicemails that I have ignored. This summer seems to have been one long, extensive hibernation period for me. Working out my issues in therapy is helping, but it always gets worse before it gets better, especially with some of the shit I'm trying to handle right now. The thought of school or lab fills me with anxiety, to a point where I freeze up and can't handle the smallest thing. Its gotten better since being out of that awful first year, and I know this semester will not be as brutal. I feel like such a pussy. Its school, I'm getting paid to go, and if I can get my shit together I will have a fucking doctorate in Cell Biology. Which will look very very pretty on my C.V. I know I'm not the only one though, I've seen several classmates lose relationships, drink too much, or just feel generally shitty. But god do I wish I could be one of those that just lets it all roll off me like water. Anyway, I'm trying to get back into the game. Plan another movie night. Invite some classmates over for dinner next week to mourn the loss of summer. Get my damn wedding thank yous finished. Clean my bedroom. Buckle down and start really working on my labwork. Finish my presentation for next month early so I can practice it enough to not freak out over it. Baby steps! Also, try to write some non-whiny blogs. Yes.

Self Improvement

I have a myriad of issues, some from childhood, some from circumstances out of my control, some self-inflicted. They all have been conspiring to leave me in a never ending cycle of anxiety or apathy for too long. There are glimpses, flashes, of happiness and "normalcy", but then I go back to either being totally stressed and freaked out or where the only feelings I seem to have come from crying during movie trailers. My health crashed to a 3 week period of sickness at the beginning of my first semester of grad school (Christmas break was filled with naps, cough-induced headaches, and boxes of kleenex). Then I spent my second semester having a serious of outbreaks. All caused by my complete and utter inability to deal with the stresses of classwork. So, I have started counseling. Its free through the school, the cost is included in all our fees (which the Cell Biology department pays for me...yessss!), so why the hell wouldn't I take advantage of someone listening to my problems for an hour and giving me advice?! And, bonus, I love my counselor. I had met him before, Mike and I took a marriage course last year with several other couples. Turns out he also used to be a personal trainer at the gym here, so I'm getting a two for one package, since he's helping me with my personal shit and also helping to get me on a better exercise/diet regimen. BAM! So, part of it is that I need to keep myself motivated, and he recommended that I try to start blogging again to keep tabs on myself. Done and did, sir. So, on the table for today: start setting myself up with a workout schedule, easy at first, but that I put into my Outlook calendar on my fancy smartphone so that the little "ding"! goes off reminding me "Oh, I need to go for a walk now!" Or, "shit, gotta get to bed early, tomorrow I'm riding my bike to work!". Also, make a god damn meal plan, then a god damn grocery list, then go to the god damn grocery store with said list. So that there's no last minute excuse of "crap, no food in the house...better pick up Braum's on the way home." But he also stressed leaving room to fuck up in my plan, because I've always had the problem of an "all or nothing" mentality in my life. So, since one of our summer students has never had Braum's before (!!), I'm taking both of the summer kiddies out for lunch today for a burger and shake. Then I'm going to ride my bike home and eat some soup. :D

Allium-induced MADNESS!

I have been miserable for a while now, but especially for the last 2 weeks. I've been eating like shit, rarely getting enough water, and not exercising. I go through periods of sleep deprivation followed by sleeping 8-9 hours a night and still feeling like a nap every day at 1pm. So there's not only one thing to blame, but on Monday it finally got to the point where I realized I will fail out of school if I don't do something drastic. I felt drunk and/or high the entire night, and other people noticed how ridiculously stupid I sounded every time I spoke.

So, firstly, I have started going to the gym again, and today I will start doing yoga again a few times a week. I've stopped all caffeine consumption, as my sleep has been disrupted and even the small amount I've been drinking in my daily green tea may be fucking with me. I'm going to bed earlier and getting up earlier, so that I'm not in class a mere 30 minutes after I wake up (people wonder why my hair always looks like shit).

But the number one, shitty, difficult, but necessary step I'm (we're) taking is getting me back on a completely allium-free diet. No onions, no garlic, no chives, no leeks. Nada. When I obstain from alliums, my mind is remarkably clearer. No brain fog, no drunken/highness, I can get away with less sleep and still feel good.

Let's be honest here, I am a complete baby when it comes to food. I cannot do this on my own, because I simply cannot be an adult and face my food addictions. I go through withdrawals big time when I give up alliums, and my first reactions are always to feel pitiful, whine, and scheme on how to get an onion burger or some cool ranch doritos in my belly, stat. So, Michael being on board is pretty much a must for my success in the first week. Luckily, after he saw how miserable I was Monday, he jumped on it and made a meal plan for the week. He even took me out to Whole Foods last night to show me that I could, in fact, eat out and get something besides a salad with no dressing.

As we speak, he is making a brined chicken with roasted veggies. Allium free, and most certainly delicious. The man is a much better cook than I, thank god. So, hopefully by the time my next finals roll around, I won't be stupid anymore. We shall see.

55%. And boobs.

So I got my first test grade back. Mind you, these classes this semester only last 5 weeks each, so each one only has one test. The test grade is your grade. I got a 55% in Immunology. Motherfucker. So, I went out on Friday night with my classmates and had the kind of night that ends with me puking up bratwurst in the bathtub at 9am the next day. But 2 random younger (cute!) guys told me I was beautiful, so success. As for Immuno, my only hope is that I realized that one of the lectures might not have been included in the grade yet, and I think I did fairly well on it, so maybe just maybe I'll end up with a D. Hooooray....

I've always loved Lush, and now we have one in OKC! In the mall closest to my house! And I've found my new obsession--Lovely Jubblies. Its a boob cream that I guess maybe is supposed to firm em up a bit, but all I care about it that it makes them super soft and they smell delicous. I haven't bought it yet, because I feel bad about spending $25 to make my boobs smell amazing, but since I can't stop thinking about how much I love it I might have to give in. Seriously, I'm just glad they are big enough that I can shove my face in between them and inhale deeply, that's how much I love this stuff. And yes, I do this in public.

Speaking of, I've been fairly conscious of my boobs the past few months. It started right before I started noticing how many guys stare at them, and I don't know if its because I'm paying more attention to them and showing them off more that people are staring more, or that I just never noticed the ubiquitous staring because I didn't pay enough attention. Anyway, now I've gotten slightly narcissistic about them. I never thought of them as being big before, just normal. But my classmates are making me realize that their size is not quite normal, but closer to giant. Cool beans. :-P
(except that I've been gaining weight and my bras are way too small now in the cup. I refuse, REFUSE to buy bigger than DDD...so no more Braum's, Lynsie!).

Yep, that's all I have to contribute for now. A failing test grade, vomiting, and boobs. What would this world be like without my engrossing blogs?

How does one reconcile and make time for all the different parts of a normal life? The work Lynsie, the school Lynsie, the private Lynsie, the public Lynsie. Now, time management is definitely a big problem for me, but it goes beyond that. I need to go on a journey of self-discovery, but without it being toxic to any of the different pieces of me, and I really haven't found a way to do that. In the past, I've tried, and it either ruined something with my work, my friendships, my relationship, or just my private self, me.

I'll be 30 in a few months, and I feel like I should have grown up more by now. Mike accuses me of acting like a child still, and I guess that is true in many ways.

I'm not sure the point of this, I just really think that our generation is screwed in a lot of ways. We were taught that we can be ANYTHING if we get an education and we have the willpower, and mostly that is a lie. In some ways our parents, many of whom had a set path in life that left little choice, had it a bit easier when it came to awareness of who they are and what is expected of them. So many people our age are just drifting, and have no idea what to make of their lives. Even those of us that chose wisely in education and career paths can feel so lost.

We have the illusion of the world being open to us, but when we get into the actual world, we realize how many obstacles and limitations are in the way.

Hmm...how to wrap up? I guess I just don't know how to cultivate joy in my life right now, with the pressures of school, work, family, household, love... How do I find the time and energy to better myself, to find what matters most to me, to find meaningful pastimes that enrich my....soul, for lack of a better word.

In short, I would like to drop off the face of the earth for a few weeks and spend time on me, myself, and I. But, it isn't possible, and even if it was, would I actually come back with what I desire, or just a need for more?

February

So, how are my resolutions going, you ask? Well, the one to be prettier is working. Wait, I don't think I talked about that here. My brother Jeff's lovely wife Victoria had two New Year's resolutions. One: to be prettier. Two: to put herself before others. I see nothing wrong with these, and stole the first for myself. Since then I've had a classmate text me about how pretty I've been looking, many strangers complimenting my outfits (never happened in the past, probably because I generally looked like shit) and I have an admirer at Freddy's Frozen Custard who admitted that he has 2 kids (one is 15) and a felony. So, BAM! As for the whole "bettering myself"....we'll just say its a work in progress, but I feel there's at least a little progress. Movin on up!

One thing I've been definitely meaning to do is frame some artwork and get more beautiful shit on our mostly bare walls. Prettify, bitches!
Got this from my stepmom for Xmas. Pretty colors!
Had this framed on our wall in NOLA, but in a frame that looked pretty awful with it and eventually went to our badass Witchcraft print. This is much better and will make me happy to have a reminder of our other home.
Lauren painted me this for Xmas and made me ridiculously happy. I LOVE HOMEMADE GIFTS! I love this painting! Its a frog's reproductive system. Awesomeness.
And, I finally got an air plant for my favorite little deer! Its a bit small right now, but it'll get a little bigger and look even more great-er. Truth.

In other news, we're starting to watch Archer Season 2 on the bluray I got my man because I love him. So I'm off to enjoy that.