On Sickness

I can't remember what it was like to not be tired. I know this started in college. I went to the doctor after reading about chronic fatigue syndrome somewhere, knowing that I must have that, but he didn't seem to believe that it was real. I've been to allergists, got my allergy shots, hoping that would help. I did elimination diets that made me have daily migraines and made me see food as my enemy. But in the end, every time, I just felt defeated and hopeless about it. Like it was all in my head and I really was just the laziest person in the world. Boo hoo, Lynsie is tired after 10 hours of sleep and feels unable to cope with 8 hour workdays and the small task of doing the laundry. Being tired sucks. But the worst is constant brain fog. When you have a job that requires algebra on a daily basis and you always (ALWAYS) feel like you are trying to think through a head full of cotton, it means that mistakes are going to be made that make your boss look at you like you just might be mentally handicapped. When I try to focus it feels like I'm swimming through algae infested muddy water trying to see my ideas through the haze. But as it goes on, for years, the excuses start to sound stale and you begin to believe that it really is all your fault for just being a lazy brat. But maybe, just maybe, I will feel a small bit of vindication this week. What if all of this is caused by fucking genetics? What it my father's family not only gave me the lovely gift of being allergic to everything under the sun, but also the gift of a fucked up thyroid gland? If this is true, and taking the pills is going to make as large a difference as people have told me it will, I'm going to feel two things. Happiness, joy, hope, that finally I can get out of this funk and that it wasn't totally my lazy ass fault. And anger, sadness, and frustration at the years I have lost when I could have been so much happier and more productive in all parts of my life. But we'll see after I get the bloodwork back.

Hibernation

So, I apologize to all those who I have yet to fully thank for wedding gifts, or those that I haven't seen in some time, or any emails, texts, or voicemails that I have ignored. This summer seems to have been one long, extensive hibernation period for me. Working out my issues in therapy is helping, but it always gets worse before it gets better, especially with some of the shit I'm trying to handle right now. The thought of school or lab fills me with anxiety, to a point where I freeze up and can't handle the smallest thing. Its gotten better since being out of that awful first year, and I know this semester will not be as brutal. I feel like such a pussy. Its school, I'm getting paid to go, and if I can get my shit together I will have a fucking doctorate in Cell Biology. Which will look very very pretty on my C.V. I know I'm not the only one though, I've seen several classmates lose relationships, drink too much, or just feel generally shitty. But god do I wish I could be one of those that just lets it all roll off me like water. Anyway, I'm trying to get back into the game. Plan another movie night. Invite some classmates over for dinner next week to mourn the loss of summer. Get my damn wedding thank yous finished. Clean my bedroom. Buckle down and start really working on my labwork. Finish my presentation for next month early so I can practice it enough to not freak out over it. Baby steps! Also, try to write some non-whiny blogs. Yes.