Health

Summary of my recent fun times: went to the doc a while back to try to figure out some of my problems. Got my thyroid checked, my vitamin levels checked, my sugar, my everything you can possibly think of that would cause my varying symptoms and it all came back with a big "You're healthy!" So, my doctor, with the knowledge that I've been stressed, I haven't been sleeping well, and I've been getting more migraines, started me on nortriptyline, a tri-cyclic anti-depressant with cholinergic effects that did help my headaches, sleeping, and depression, but also caused a wicked case of dry mouth. And, last wednesday after taking it for a little over a month, I realized that my heart rate had been over 100 for at least 3 days and when I checked my blood pressure it was well above the "normal" range for the first time in my life. So, I stopped taking the meds and schedule an appointment for today. I checked my heart rate several times a day since and it only dropped below 100 once. Joy. So, today, with my 120 heart rate, 130/91 blood pressure, and a low grade fever, I got my very first EKG. Which was all normal. *sigh of relief* So, he wants me to start on beta blockers. After researching a shit ton over the past couple hours I've decided I will take them almost regularly until my bp/hr are under control, and then use them as anti-anxiety meds as needed. They are actually prescribed to people who (like me) get extremely anxious with public speaking. You take them about an hour before hand and it will calm you down. With next month being my next big seminar presentation (in front of the whole Cell Bio department...) I could use this handy trick. In other news, I'm attending regular counseling for me and couples counseling for me and my husband. And I will be setting aside regular time every day for meditation, as that shit has been proven (BY SCIENCE!) to change your perception of the world. Sure it would be nice to get rid of some of my stressors, but until that happens I need better ways of dealing with them. Now, to go and sit at the microscope and meditate over some mouse retinas. Current HR: 122. Ugh.

Life feels like a giant shit sandwich dipped in farts right now. About a third of the shit is me doing it to myself, a third is completely out of my control, and the other third is just small things that would be fine and tolerable if it weren't for those other portions. But I'm not where I was this summer. Where I holed myself up inside my head and my home and only reached out for help when I was on the brink of something irreversible and terrifying. I'm not in the pit of despair. I'm just feeling stressed and confused. But in the midst of this giant weight on my heart, I managed to work my ass off and get an A on my midterm. When none of my friends in the class did. So, although it feels insurmountable, there are glimpses that show me I'm strong enough to climb it. I just don't know how to make these life changing decisions. I freeze and over think and put too much stake in the results. Wow way to be vague, Lynsie.