Fears: Both Irrational and Unfounded

Let's talk about a serious and a not so serious fear of mine today, shall we?

Ever since I was fairly young I've had a serious aversion to certain patterns, especially a regular, repeating pattern of small holes.  The first couple times I really remember noticing them were once on a plane, when I saw a pattern in the fields below, and another time with these awful shoes that were popular.  They were shitty adidas sandals with the rubber pegs that massage the bottoms of your feet, and we wore socks with them *shudder*.  Anyway, sock lint would accumulate in the bottoms and you could pull it out, but there would be holes in the lint block in the pattern of those pegs and it freaked me the fuck out.  Later, I saw an anime in which a villian had a beehive in his back, and an X-Files episode in which someone thought they had roaches crawling under their skin.  So, know, when I see these patterns, I think of maggots, roaches, bees, or other living creatures burrowing out and making these patterns in my flesh.  Fun stuff.  BUT, until today, I had no idea there was a word for it and that it was fairly common!  Trypophobia--but don't google it too much, lest you catch it--because I warn you, looking at enough images of patterns of holes in skin (photoshopped or not) will cause you to become revulsed.

On to the next--not being smart enough to finish this whole school shit I've started.  Seriously, pretty much every day since I started I have felt that I was the worst student in the class, that I couldn't keep up, that I lacked the basic knowledge that everyone else seemed to have.  But yet....I'm doing it!  I've had a few downs, but they are always followed by bad assery.  Yep, got a B and then a C (C is failing in grad school in case you didn't know) in Molecular Biology, but then followed that by A's in both Cell Bio classes (my major, so I better...).  And this semester, we only had one course.  A killer fucking course that was strangely organized and a fucking bitch to study for.  I worked my ass off.  One of our Halloween movie nights was spent with me hearing everyone drunkenly laughing in the other room while I went over and over and over the Wnt, Notch, and Hedgehog pathways.  I spent days (literally, probably around 70 hours) in the library for this last test, not even counting all the time I spent studying at work and at home.  And sure, a lot of that was spent going back and forth between my book and my Facebook....but--that shit PAID off!  89.6 in the class, which rounds up to a god damn A, bitches!

And so, I look toward my general exams next semester....the ones that gave me such horrid anxiety every time I thought of them, the ones that seemed so insurmountable and unpassable...and I think...holy shit, I can do this.

Ass Burgers

Its no secret that I have difficulty processing strong emotions. They either overwhelm me, or I shut them off. Its funny, there are a lot of psychologists now that believe this is what is wrong with many children on the autism spectrum, especially those with Aspberger's: they feel emotion too strongly from a young age, it is too intense for them, and so they turn it off. Ok, I digress. I'm cycling right now. I'm doing a lot of unhealthy avoidance (not calling my father back even though I had like 6 missed calls from him). I'm very upset, then I'm very content, then I'm completely numb. Yesterday was a lovely day, truly, it was very relaxing and comforting and fun. But underneath the entire day ran a little river of anxiety. I've found in the past 2 weeks that it is manifesting itself by a little prickle at the back of my neck. My neck feels hot, or itchy, or just strange. Its like a little reminder that no matter how much I'm enjoying that minute, there's still so much to fret about. Christmas break should be interesting. I'm not looking forward to most of it, but I am glad to get to see my brothers. And my lovely sisters-in-law. But I don't want to explain anything. I don't want to talk about any of it. I don't know who should know what, and how much to divulge, and what will be said. I feel like the emotional parts of my brain are atrophying. I'm killing them with lack of oxygen. A large part of me would like that, a constant numbness. But I know that's silly, and I need to start the process of cultivating feelings again. It will be painful, it is all so raw and it hurts to even look at it, much less dig around to try to mend it. Plus I have made myself so alone in this--I have people I can talk to about aspects of my life, but not one person right now that I'm fully honest with about everything. I've lost that, and I need to find a way to trust someone enough to gain it back. We'll see.

Clarification

I don't know that I made myself fully clear in the last post. I did not leave my husband for my boyfriend. I was determined that the only reason I would leave him was because I didn't think we could make it work. And this is what happened. It wasn't choosing one over the other, it was realizing that the second one happened because of how bad the first relationship was for me. No one can replace my husband in my heart--no one. He was my first love, my best friend half of my life, and all of my adult life. We went through so fucking much together I don't know how we aren't more broken than we are. I will always be in debt to him for how much he has given me and done for me.

The Story

Look let's lay it all out, even though I don't know who actually reads this and what good if any it will do. I was in a very long term relationship. He is my family, my longest friend. I love him still and I always will, that is for certain. But things were falling apart, slowly but surely even though we didn't see it. I had decided that I was going to spend the rest of my life with this person. I meant that. But in the midst of all my unhappiness, my strong, long-held belief that everything in the relationship that was bad was my fault, and my awful self-esteem I started to yearn for something else. I started noticing that other people noticed me. It started with some fucking fast food guy who flirted with me and called me beautiful when I checked out. Really? Someone could think of me that way? It was stupid but I let myself go a little bit. But then I realized I was being stupid and pulled back before anything happened...this guy was gross. It happened several more times; people talking to me, flirting with me. I have never, ever been the kind of person that gets hit on. Or at least not that I ever noticed. So, it was a very new feeling for me. I had been feeling so miserable and so down on myself that any of it just made my day, my week. So, then there was a guy that was flirting with me who I actually thought was cute, and sweet. It started out fairly innocent but turned after a bit. I started deluding myself, thinking I could lead these two lives. I split my mind, and my personality, to an extent. I wouldn't even talk to my counselor about the other life, he was a part of one and not the other. But I still loved my fiancee. And so I married him, thinking I could keep leading this other life for a while and then figure it out later. By this point, my new relationship had serious feelings involved with it, and so, even though he didn't say anything, I hurt him immensely when I got married. But he did not say anything, even when asked, because he wanted me to do what I wanted and needed to do, without any pushing from him either way. And so, stupidly, I got married while engaging in an affair. It is awful and fairly unforgivable. It is embarrassing and shameful. It ended up hurting so many people. I loved my wedding. It was the best night of my life. I have never felt so surrounded by love, and I have never had so much fun. When I said my vows that day I fully believed every word. I love that man, I really do. But love is not enough, sometimes. Things add up, make this giant pile of bullshit. And suddenly, you find yourself unable to carry on with a relationship that makes you feel like a piece of shit. It wasn't his fault, it wasn't my fault, it was our fault. It was made of up misunderstandings, not knowing ourselves, blindness, ignorance, and apathy. I moved in with "the other man". This was an asshole move, but really, I have nowhere else to go, other than crashing on a succession of friends' couches, which--with school right now--would make me fall apart. Plus, he and I truly do care about each other. We make it work. We compromise, we fight and then make up, we enjoy each other's company. I'm in a new relationship, and yes, all this may pass. We may grow tired of each other, we may not work out. But I've figured out that being alone is not the end of the world. It is far better than staying in a toxic marriage that will make me miserable for the rest of my life. I'm sorry to those that I have hurt, especially my soon to be ex-husband. He is in a lot of pain, and that is killing me. The friends that I know I am losing will leave a hole in my heart. I hate that his family and mine are saddened by all of this. But I just want you to know that although I made awful mistakes, and this all should have gone down completely differently, I do think that where I am now will be a better place than where I was before. And if I'm wrong? I now know that I do have the strength to figure it out and do what is right for me. I will be happy. As for other things, when my husband found out about my affair, I told him things to make him feel better. I didn't realized some of these falsehoods would come back to bite me in the ass so bad. This new man is not a horrible person. He treats me well and with respect. He feels bad for being with me when I was taken. Ok, I've been sleeping poorly, so I hope this conveys what I intended it to. I hope we can all get past this and get to our happy place. I'm an asshole and I'm sorry that others are in pain because I couldn't get my shit together.

Brave Face

Haha, I kid myself. I'm not really that ok.....

Breaking up is a strange thing. People always say that the ripples are felt much further than you thought they would be, but jesus christ, some of this I did not expect. I am the bad guy in all of this, I'm fine with playing that part. I don't want to air my side of the story to anyone. He needs to, and he needs to do what he needs to do, but I am not going to go around defending myself and letting people know what he did wrong versus what I did wrong. If you want to blame me, go ahead. Everyone needs a scapegoat, and I am more than willing. If you decide that, based solely on the way that my relationship turned out, you no longer want to be in my life, that is your decision. I am not going to come after you and tell you about how fucked up my short lived marriage was. I made mistakes---huge mistakes. We will leave it at that. As for me, I'm swinging back and forth between fairly happy and fairly numb. Finals are over and I'm jumping right into massive lab work and preparing for the craziness of next semester. I'm trying, so hard, to deal with the massive amount of shit everyone is throwing my direction (some of it on purpose, others completely without knowing) when it comes to this breakup. So, I start to feel a little overwhelmed and my body reacts by either completely shutting down and feeling major apathy, or completely shoving away everything that makes me upset. So, I'm caught either emotionlessly reading papers for work and drudging through the day, or filling my time with frivolity and ignoring my phone while watching Christmas movies and bad TV. But I'm ok. When I get close to the edge of depression or despair, I've been able to pull back and find a happy place. I have goals that I want to reach, and they keep me in focus enough that I don't fall apart. The only problem is keeping up with anyone. Because of my mind's tendency to run from emotion, I do NOT want to talk to anyone seriously about anything right now, and so I'm mostly ignoring anyone I feel is going to bug me in that way. My plan for now is just to take them one at a time. So, just patiently wait your turn, I guess. :D That's all. I thought writing this might make me feel a little better, but it has succeeded in making me feel a little worse.

Health

Summary of my recent fun times: went to the doc a while back to try to figure out some of my problems. Got my thyroid checked, my vitamin levels checked, my sugar, my everything you can possibly think of that would cause my varying symptoms and it all came back with a big "You're healthy!" So, my doctor, with the knowledge that I've been stressed, I haven't been sleeping well, and I've been getting more migraines, started me on nortriptyline, a tri-cyclic anti-depressant with cholinergic effects that did help my headaches, sleeping, and depression, but also caused a wicked case of dry mouth. And, last wednesday after taking it for a little over a month, I realized that my heart rate had been over 100 for at least 3 days and when I checked my blood pressure it was well above the "normal" range for the first time in my life. So, I stopped taking the meds and schedule an appointment for today. I checked my heart rate several times a day since and it only dropped below 100 once. Joy. So, today, with my 120 heart rate, 130/91 blood pressure, and a low grade fever, I got my very first EKG. Which was all normal. *sigh of relief* So, he wants me to start on beta blockers. After researching a shit ton over the past couple hours I've decided I will take them almost regularly until my bp/hr are under control, and then use them as anti-anxiety meds as needed. They are actually prescribed to people who (like me) get extremely anxious with public speaking. You take them about an hour before hand and it will calm you down. With next month being my next big seminar presentation (in front of the whole Cell Bio department...) I could use this handy trick. In other news, I'm attending regular counseling for me and couples counseling for me and my husband. And I will be setting aside regular time every day for meditation, as that shit has been proven (BY SCIENCE!) to change your perception of the world. Sure it would be nice to get rid of some of my stressors, but until that happens I need better ways of dealing with them. Now, to go and sit at the microscope and meditate over some mouse retinas. Current HR: 122. Ugh.

Life feels like a giant shit sandwich dipped in farts right now. About a third of the shit is me doing it to myself, a third is completely out of my control, and the other third is just small things that would be fine and tolerable if it weren't for those other portions. But I'm not where I was this summer. Where I holed myself up inside my head and my home and only reached out for help when I was on the brink of something irreversible and terrifying. I'm not in the pit of despair. I'm just feeling stressed and confused. But in the midst of this giant weight on my heart, I managed to work my ass off and get an A on my midterm. When none of my friends in the class did. So, although it feels insurmountable, there are glimpses that show me I'm strong enough to climb it. I just don't know how to make these life changing decisions. I freeze and over think and put too much stake in the results. Wow way to be vague, Lynsie.

On Sickness

I can't remember what it was like to not be tired. I know this started in college. I went to the doctor after reading about chronic fatigue syndrome somewhere, knowing that I must have that, but he didn't seem to believe that it was real. I've been to allergists, got my allergy shots, hoping that would help. I did elimination diets that made me have daily migraines and made me see food as my enemy. But in the end, every time, I just felt defeated and hopeless about it. Like it was all in my head and I really was just the laziest person in the world. Boo hoo, Lynsie is tired after 10 hours of sleep and feels unable to cope with 8 hour workdays and the small task of doing the laundry. Being tired sucks. But the worst is constant brain fog. When you have a job that requires algebra on a daily basis and you always (ALWAYS) feel like you are trying to think through a head full of cotton, it means that mistakes are going to be made that make your boss look at you like you just might be mentally handicapped. When I try to focus it feels like I'm swimming through algae infested muddy water trying to see my ideas through the haze. But as it goes on, for years, the excuses start to sound stale and you begin to believe that it really is all your fault for just being a lazy brat. But maybe, just maybe, I will feel a small bit of vindication this week. What if all of this is caused by fucking genetics? What it my father's family not only gave me the lovely gift of being allergic to everything under the sun, but also the gift of a fucked up thyroid gland? If this is true, and taking the pills is going to make as large a difference as people have told me it will, I'm going to feel two things. Happiness, joy, hope, that finally I can get out of this funk and that it wasn't totally my lazy ass fault. And anger, sadness, and frustration at the years I have lost when I could have been so much happier and more productive in all parts of my life. But we'll see after I get the bloodwork back.

Hibernation

So, I apologize to all those who I have yet to fully thank for wedding gifts, or those that I haven't seen in some time, or any emails, texts, or voicemails that I have ignored. This summer seems to have been one long, extensive hibernation period for me. Working out my issues in therapy is helping, but it always gets worse before it gets better, especially with some of the shit I'm trying to handle right now. The thought of school or lab fills me with anxiety, to a point where I freeze up and can't handle the smallest thing. Its gotten better since being out of that awful first year, and I know this semester will not be as brutal. I feel like such a pussy. Its school, I'm getting paid to go, and if I can get my shit together I will have a fucking doctorate in Cell Biology. Which will look very very pretty on my C.V. I know I'm not the only one though, I've seen several classmates lose relationships, drink too much, or just feel generally shitty. But god do I wish I could be one of those that just lets it all roll off me like water. Anyway, I'm trying to get back into the game. Plan another movie night. Invite some classmates over for dinner next week to mourn the loss of summer. Get my damn wedding thank yous finished. Clean my bedroom. Buckle down and start really working on my labwork. Finish my presentation for next month early so I can practice it enough to not freak out over it. Baby steps! Also, try to write some non-whiny blogs. Yes.

Self Improvement

I have a myriad of issues, some from childhood, some from circumstances out of my control, some self-inflicted. They all have been conspiring to leave me in a never ending cycle of anxiety or apathy for too long. There are glimpses, flashes, of happiness and "normalcy", but then I go back to either being totally stressed and freaked out or where the only feelings I seem to have come from crying during movie trailers. My health crashed to a 3 week period of sickness at the beginning of my first semester of grad school (Christmas break was filled with naps, cough-induced headaches, and boxes of kleenex). Then I spent my second semester having a serious of outbreaks. All caused by my complete and utter inability to deal with the stresses of classwork. So, I have started counseling. Its free through the school, the cost is included in all our fees (which the Cell Biology department pays for me...yessss!), so why the hell wouldn't I take advantage of someone listening to my problems for an hour and giving me advice?! And, bonus, I love my counselor. I had met him before, Mike and I took a marriage course last year with several other couples. Turns out he also used to be a personal trainer at the gym here, so I'm getting a two for one package, since he's helping me with my personal shit and also helping to get me on a better exercise/diet regimen. BAM! So, part of it is that I need to keep myself motivated, and he recommended that I try to start blogging again to keep tabs on myself. Done and did, sir. So, on the table for today: start setting myself up with a workout schedule, easy at first, but that I put into my Outlook calendar on my fancy smartphone so that the little "ding"! goes off reminding me "Oh, I need to go for a walk now!" Or, "shit, gotta get to bed early, tomorrow I'm riding my bike to work!". Also, make a god damn meal plan, then a god damn grocery list, then go to the god damn grocery store with said list. So that there's no last minute excuse of "crap, no food in the house...better pick up Braum's on the way home." But he also stressed leaving room to fuck up in my plan, because I've always had the problem of an "all or nothing" mentality in my life. So, since one of our summer students has never had Braum's before (!!), I'm taking both of the summer kiddies out for lunch today for a burger and shake. Then I'm going to ride my bike home and eat some soup. :D

Allium-induced MADNESS!

I have been miserable for a while now, but especially for the last 2 weeks. I've been eating like shit, rarely getting enough water, and not exercising. I go through periods of sleep deprivation followed by sleeping 8-9 hours a night and still feeling like a nap every day at 1pm. So there's not only one thing to blame, but on Monday it finally got to the point where I realized I will fail out of school if I don't do something drastic. I felt drunk and/or high the entire night, and other people noticed how ridiculously stupid I sounded every time I spoke.

So, firstly, I have started going to the gym again, and today I will start doing yoga again a few times a week. I've stopped all caffeine consumption, as my sleep has been disrupted and even the small amount I've been drinking in my daily green tea may be fucking with me. I'm going to bed earlier and getting up earlier, so that I'm not in class a mere 30 minutes after I wake up (people wonder why my hair always looks like shit).

But the number one, shitty, difficult, but necessary step I'm (we're) taking is getting me back on a completely allium-free diet. No onions, no garlic, no chives, no leeks. Nada. When I obstain from alliums, my mind is remarkably clearer. No brain fog, no drunken/highness, I can get away with less sleep and still feel good.

Let's be honest here, I am a complete baby when it comes to food. I cannot do this on my own, because I simply cannot be an adult and face my food addictions. I go through withdrawals big time when I give up alliums, and my first reactions are always to feel pitiful, whine, and scheme on how to get an onion burger or some cool ranch doritos in my belly, stat. So, Michael being on board is pretty much a must for my success in the first week. Luckily, after he saw how miserable I was Monday, he jumped on it and made a meal plan for the week. He even took me out to Whole Foods last night to show me that I could, in fact, eat out and get something besides a salad with no dressing.

As we speak, he is making a brined chicken with roasted veggies. Allium free, and most certainly delicious. The man is a much better cook than I, thank god. So, hopefully by the time my next finals roll around, I won't be stupid anymore. We shall see.

55%. And boobs.

So I got my first test grade back. Mind you, these classes this semester only last 5 weeks each, so each one only has one test. The test grade is your grade. I got a 55% in Immunology. Motherfucker. So, I went out on Friday night with my classmates and had the kind of night that ends with me puking up bratwurst in the bathtub at 9am the next day. But 2 random younger (cute!) guys told me I was beautiful, so success. As for Immuno, my only hope is that I realized that one of the lectures might not have been included in the grade yet, and I think I did fairly well on it, so maybe just maybe I'll end up with a D. Hooooray....

I've always loved Lush, and now we have one in OKC! In the mall closest to my house! And I've found my new obsession--Lovely Jubblies. Its a boob cream that I guess maybe is supposed to firm em up a bit, but all I care about it that it makes them super soft and they smell delicous. I haven't bought it yet, because I feel bad about spending $25 to make my boobs smell amazing, but since I can't stop thinking about how much I love it I might have to give in. Seriously, I'm just glad they are big enough that I can shove my face in between them and inhale deeply, that's how much I love this stuff. And yes, I do this in public.

Speaking of, I've been fairly conscious of my boobs the past few months. It started right before I started noticing how many guys stare at them, and I don't know if its because I'm paying more attention to them and showing them off more that people are staring more, or that I just never noticed the ubiquitous staring because I didn't pay enough attention. Anyway, now I've gotten slightly narcissistic about them. I never thought of them as being big before, just normal. But my classmates are making me realize that their size is not quite normal, but closer to giant. Cool beans. :-P
(except that I've been gaining weight and my bras are way too small now in the cup. I refuse, REFUSE to buy bigger than DDD...so no more Braum's, Lynsie!).

Yep, that's all I have to contribute for now. A failing test grade, vomiting, and boobs. What would this world be like without my engrossing blogs?

How does one reconcile and make time for all the different parts of a normal life? The work Lynsie, the school Lynsie, the private Lynsie, the public Lynsie. Now, time management is definitely a big problem for me, but it goes beyond that. I need to go on a journey of self-discovery, but without it being toxic to any of the different pieces of me, and I really haven't found a way to do that. In the past, I've tried, and it either ruined something with my work, my friendships, my relationship, or just my private self, me.

I'll be 30 in a few months, and I feel like I should have grown up more by now. Mike accuses me of acting like a child still, and I guess that is true in many ways.

I'm not sure the point of this, I just really think that our generation is screwed in a lot of ways. We were taught that we can be ANYTHING if we get an education and we have the willpower, and mostly that is a lie. In some ways our parents, many of whom had a set path in life that left little choice, had it a bit easier when it came to awareness of who they are and what is expected of them. So many people our age are just drifting, and have no idea what to make of their lives. Even those of us that chose wisely in education and career paths can feel so lost.

We have the illusion of the world being open to us, but when we get into the actual world, we realize how many obstacles and limitations are in the way.

Hmm...how to wrap up? I guess I just don't know how to cultivate joy in my life right now, with the pressures of school, work, family, household, love... How do I find the time and energy to better myself, to find what matters most to me, to find meaningful pastimes that enrich my....soul, for lack of a better word.

In short, I would like to drop off the face of the earth for a few weeks and spend time on me, myself, and I. But, it isn't possible, and even if it was, would I actually come back with what I desire, or just a need for more?

February

So, how are my resolutions going, you ask? Well, the one to be prettier is working. Wait, I don't think I talked about that here. My brother Jeff's lovely wife Victoria had two New Year's resolutions. One: to be prettier. Two: to put herself before others. I see nothing wrong with these, and stole the first for myself. Since then I've had a classmate text me about how pretty I've been looking, many strangers complimenting my outfits (never happened in the past, probably because I generally looked like shit) and I have an admirer at Freddy's Frozen Custard who admitted that he has 2 kids (one is 15) and a felony. So, BAM! As for the whole "bettering myself"....we'll just say its a work in progress, but I feel there's at least a little progress. Movin on up!

One thing I've been definitely meaning to do is frame some artwork and get more beautiful shit on our mostly bare walls. Prettify, bitches!
Got this from my stepmom for Xmas. Pretty colors!
Had this framed on our wall in NOLA, but in a frame that looked pretty awful with it and eventually went to our badass Witchcraft print. This is much better and will make me happy to have a reminder of our other home.
Lauren painted me this for Xmas and made me ridiculously happy. I LOVE HOMEMADE GIFTS! I love this painting! Its a frog's reproductive system. Awesomeness.
And, I finally got an air plant for my favorite little deer! Its a bit small right now, but it'll get a little bigger and look even more great-er. Truth.

In other news, we're starting to watch Archer Season 2 on the bluray I got my man because I love him. So I'm off to enjoy that.

Two important things

1. I love tea. I never used to drink it, but in the past few years (especially after finding the magic of rooibos) I've been drinking the shit out of it.
So, in a bit of an homage to the lovely Leigh, here's my Yogi tea "fortune". It made me happy. Also, I was trying to take the picture with low flash, because the light in my kitchen sucks but so does taking pictures with just flash...so this is what happens when you put your finger partially over the thing.

Also, Victoria got us into the British way of drinking tea, and the way the milk looks bubbling up from the bottom also pleases me.


2. This is like peanut butter...but made with crushed up cookies. How can you beat this? And don't worry, you don't need anything to eat it with save a spoon. Or your finger.



*This post brought to you by pomegranate margaritas and boredom. Thanks for listening to tea and cookie butter.

Learning is Fun!

Last semester was pretty much balls. We didn't get to choose our classes, and we had constant tests. None of it was fun in any way, because even the few things that would have been awesome to learn were just more weights being added onto our backs come test time.

This semester is a bit different, however. We will have 12 one-hour credit classes that each last 5 weeks, and are only made up of ten lectures. We had choices (although it was only 2-3 choices per time block, but that's better than nothing!). There was an element of control for us this semester, and we will only have tests every 5 weeks instead of every other week.

So, there are actually parts to this semester so far that have been really interesting, and even at times (gasp!) fun. So, I thought I'd tell you a little about what I'm learning tonight in my reading for my Genes to Physiology class tomorrow.

The reason that you feel lightheaded when you stand up is that the weight of all that blood in your body kind of sends it all crashing down to your legs, and there are nerves near your carotid arteries that recognize this and quickly work to make up for this difference by increasing your blood volume for a short time. This weight is why your feet swell and hurt--because of blood pooling, and to keep this from happening too much (and to keep from fainting if you lock your knees for too long), you need to occasionally contract and release your leg muscles a few times to cause the pooled blood to go back to your heart. Also, if you faint after giving blood it has absolutely nothing to do with your blood volume--it has only to do with the emotional center of your brain. So, no matter what anyone says, if they faint from giving blood it is because they are a wimp.

Oh, and if someone faints, you shouldn't try to get them upright! They fainted because of less blood going to the brain, so keeping them horizontal is what helps the most.

After a large loss of blood, the first mechanism that happens is something called autotransfusion, which basically means that your body takes interstitial fluid and adds it to your bloodstream, which dilutes out all the blood cells but keeps your mean arterial pressure more constant. Then you can slowly start to make more blood cells to replenish that shizz.

Weight training too much is bad for your heart!! What happens when you are lifting like that is that your heart starts trying to get more blood to these muscles, but the contraction is forcing the blood vessels more closed, and the extra blood isn't able to force its way in there. If you do this too much without rest or at least some good cardio thrown in there, it starts causing it causes hypertrophy of your left ventricle wall and lower volume in that chamber.

Ok, hopefully that was actually interesting to you, and if not, fuck off. Or, read this bit of depressing news:

More heart disease!

2012

I gave up New Year's resolutions a few years ago because they were always the same and I never stuck with them like I wanted to. You know, cook more, work out more, etc. I decided to make one this year because I've gotten stuck in a rut of pseudo-depression and laziness this past year. My resolution is to be a better person, all around. I have problems keeping up with my friends and family, keeping close to my Michael, keeping up with my work and my school, and keeping up with my house and my mutts. So, I'm going to work at being more present and more aware, more grateful and more open, more active and more studious. I will strive to be a better friend, lover, sister, daughter, coworker, employee, classmate, and citizen. I want to like who I am. I don't feel like I should change my whole personality, but its just that the last year I spent far too much time doing nothing and feeling busy. Ever get into that cycle of depression where you sit around, maybe watching TV too much, or playing on the internet too much, or even just staring at the wall, and then you don't have time for cleaning, cooking, reading, talking, walking, or anything? That was most of my year. SO! Here we go, 2012, I have high hopes! I will celebrate 15 years with Michael this year, I will marry him this year, I will finish my first year of graduate school, I will help my mother through the first anniversary of the tornado, I will travel, I will eat delicious food, I will laugh and I will enjoy my life.

This post was brought to you by my head cold and Dayquil--my stomach is sore from coughing so much, my head feels stuffed with cotton, and my brain is moving so slowly that I'm sure this post sounds like it was written by a child or someone with alzheimers.

Edit: I totally forgot to mention that I will also turn 30 this year. This shows how little regard I have for age, it really doesn't bother me. But, I will not be married when I turn 30, that will make me an old maid!