Hippy Shit

I still have a lot of holdovers from my full-blown vegetarian, donating to PETA, crying over how no one recycles, spending all my money on Burt's Bees phase in undergrad.  I believe in the phrase "if its yellow let it mellow."  I feel awful when I have to throw away recyclables, and I've implemented a recycling program in our lab.  I drink green smoothies for breakfast.  I cut up old shitty socks to use as rags instead of throwing them away.  Etc, etc, etc. 

There's a few things though, that I would like to explain the reasons behind.  I've probably already explained them several times in my life, but bear with me here, since they're important to me, dammit!  I've lost a lot of the pure passion I had in my 20s, but I still feel it in relation to certain things (abortion and decriminalization of drugs being two I won't be discussing today).

Let's start with makeup and shaving, shall we?  I first decided to throw away all my makeup and to stop my daily shaving when I read the book Reviving Ophelia--Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls.  Now, I haven't read this book since....oh, 2002 I believe, so I can't tell you much of what I learned from it.  If I ever have a daughter, I will definitely revisit it.  But what I do know is that it made me look over my own issues with low self esteem, and I decided to take action.  See, for me, makeup was a mask that I put on when I felt that I wasn't good enough.  It wasn't to accentuate my good feautures, it wasn't just to cover blemishes, it was to cover my real face because I felt it wasn't good enough.  And shaving was always a source of anxiety for me.  For one thing, I'm just awful at it.  I don't have the patience.  This makes me laugh now, but then, seeing hairs on my legs I had missed or knowing how fast my armpit hair grew and that I'd have a damn five o'clock shadow even when I shaved them in the morning before school made me feel like less of a girl, less of a woman.  I put on makeup when I felt bad, and it did nothing to up my confidence.  I shaved and felt like it was never good enough.  So, after realizing these things, I vowed not to do them unless it was for myself, only myself, and only if it had nothing to do with low self esteem.  I vowed to learn to love myself, love my face, love my hairy legs, love my hairy pits.  And, over the years, I have definitely succeeded in these things.  I'm not saying my self esteem is perfect, but I look in the mirror, and even though I still have acne at 30 (WHAT THE FUCK!? they promised it would be gone when I hit 20!) I see that my face is pretty, and I like it.  I see my natural body hair and I see that is is not something that makes me less female, less woman.  Its just me.  (now....I do get rid of my facial hair...for those Sikh women who can see their beauty past their mustaches and beards, bless you....I don't think a beard would be attractive on me, and since I was born with dark hair I would have a nice little shitstache and gross patchy beard if I didn't take measures against them.) 

I do wear makeup now occasionally, and I do sometimes shave (when I get to my most frequent periods, its still at most once a month for my legs and once a year for the armpits).  But I'm blessed to have found men in my life that see my beauty and are thankful that it isn't covered with creams and powders.  They like to kiss my face and not taste foundation or lipstick.  Derrick made my heart sing when he first said "So you don't wear makeup?  I like that."  And when I asked him whether he would rather me shave more, he just told me that I should do what I feel like doing.  Really, the only times I've found myself doing these things with the wrong intentions is when I'm having a girl's night.  I find that girls are much more openly judgemental about these things.  But, that's why I focus on surrounding myself with women who are awesome.  :-P

The point of this is not to say that everyone should stop wearing makeup and embrace their true hirsute selves.  What I truly want is for none of it to be a big deal.  For no one to feel that they HAVE to shave their legs every day when summer hits.  For no one to have to feel that the first thing they need to do in the morning is "put on their face".  For everyone to do what they want to do when they want to do it and feel no pressure for fitting in with a certain standard of beauty.  If you absolutely love putting on makeup and spending all your money and time on that shit, go for it girl!  It can be fun!  But if you wake up one morning and really don't feel like taking the time, go in to work bare faced and embrace it!  If you are showering and realize your razor sucks, just leave those legs as is and rock it.  Fuck society's expectations.  Flaunt your beauty in the way that makes you feel most amazing.  Don't hide behind anything.  If you're at a Mardi Gras parade yelling for beads and the guy sees your pit hair and shakes his head at you (true story), flip him off, laugh, and go for the next fucking float.  You got enough beads anyway.

I just want women to realize that they are all beautiful in their own way and that they don't have to spend all their time and money on creams, powders, surgery, tattoos, laser hair removal, tweezing, plucking, worrying, standing in front of the mirror scrutinizing, etc, etc, etc.  Do what you want, when you want, and love yourself.  

Note--I make jokes that my mother must have done something very wrong or very right in raising us, since her only daughter has hairy armpits, cannot for the life of her put on eyeliner, and has no idea how to style hair, while her only son shaves his entire body, and can actually walk in high heels.

Woah.  Just found out the singer from The Weeknd has the same hair as Derrick, just shorter (and therefore, less crazy....and less awesome?).

Ok, I've rambled enough.  I've spent far too many hours (on a Saturday) doing immunofluorescence staining and reading, reading, reading in preparation for my written proposal.  So the brain is a bit fuzzy at this point.

Bipolar

I'm switching back and forth a lot today.  Let's examine.

I am officially divorced, as of yesterday.  This is causing much of my mood swings.  I'm feeling nostalgic, relieved, depressed, happy, content, wistful, angry, loved, despised, etc etc.  I'm thinking of what I'm missing while marveling over what I have gained.  I'm stupidly stalking Facebook profiles while reading over sweet texts from the present.  I'm wearing my wedding ring and being sad that this lovely piece of jewelry a good friend made just for me will not get as much use as I had thought it would.  I'm looking forward to an awesome trip D and I are going on for my birthday weekend.  I'm enjoying the comfort of new friends while missing the comfort of lost friends.  I'm reading too much (or not enough?) into the silence of certain friends and family. 

Because the divorce was brought on by me, caused by my actions, I swiftly acted to make things "fair" and I think I've ended up screwing myself in many ways.  I'm paying half of his rent right now, and let him keep the better car, even though both cars were actually mine.  And now, the car I have is falling apart and looking like it will need $$$$ worth of repairs, which I can't really afford, as I'm looking at paying a deposit on a new apartment soon PLUS still paying half of his rent for 2 more months.  When he was sad and alone and everyone was looking towards me with glaring eyes, this felt right.  Now that he is officially in love with someone else, and I see him getting to spend money on going out when I can't afford to...it kinda sucks.  But this was what I agreed to, so shame on me?  I don't know anymore, I just want the final strings to be cut so that I can move on and not have to think of these things anymore.  I want that extra $325 a month to be able to save or spend as I like instead of throwing it down a hole that I get no enjoyment from.

But, at the same time as feeling all this shittiness, I'm really happy still.  I learned to cook a great dried fish stew, which I ate...and get this....ENJOYED last night.  For those of you who know my mother, she instilled in her children a deep seated loathing for the taste of anything that lives in water.  She gags at the smell of Long John Silvers and refuses to eat fried chicken from any place that now serves fish because she KNOWS that they are fried in the same oil and EW!  So, big step here.  We even put collard greens, cabbage, and asparagus in it---so it was a GREEN dried fish stew.  We also had goat meat peanut butter stew.  I'm going to be fat as hell if I don't start working out more soon. 

Nola went back to the Humane Society today.  We will miss that little asshole, but I won't miss how my legs are covered in scratches from her temper tantrums.  She was a little bitch when she didn't get her way, but of course only with me, not Derrick.  But still, we loved her.  D made me send her favorite toy and told me to be sure to let them know how he had trained her with snapping his fingers and how much she liked it.  Done.  Now to find homes for the swiftly growing kittens and mother that are stinking up our spare bedroom.

In other news, Happy Valentine's Day! 

Social Media

Oh, the age of the internet.  There are so many social faux pas to be made.  The etiquette ladies haven't yet caught up with how to be polite and professional on the Twitters and shiz.  So, I'm having to find my way around divorce in this lovely time.  To delete all photos that are evidence of past relationship or not?  I mean, they are a part of my personal history but at the same time my soon to be ex-husband just deleted his entire Facebook account to clear his pictures.  So, I went through a small cleaning spree today and cleared out a lot, but I find myself unable to delete everything.  I mean, for godsakes it was half of my life thus far.  So, we'll see.

In other news....not much.  Still have the foster cat, and the vet hasn't called me back to schedule her last check-up, so we'll have her a bit longer.  Still have a mother cat and 6 now very hungry kittens in the spare bedroom, and all of the kittens now have bald spots from ringworm.  Oh joy.  Still not studying enough for my qualifiers this semester.  Still loving my life (outside of work and school, that is).  Still not sure of how to dial international numbers as I sit here staring at the weird phone number on this pen I have from Derrick's dad's company.

I'll be going to Seattle in May for my very first ARVO conference (The Association for Research in Vision and Opthamology).  I'm getting pretty excited about it as I get more packets in the mail and info in my email.  I'll have to get some "professional" clothes together for this shiz, hope they weren't part of the clothes stolen from my car!  The conference itself should kick ass (except for the whole presenting for the first time at the "largest gathering of eye and vision researchers in the world), but also I'm super excited to go to Seattle, since I've never been up there.  Woohoo!  I'm definitely planning on taking a few extra days to see the sights, even though it will still be during general exam time and I'm sure my PI won't be too pleased with me....heh.  Anyway the best part of the conference is that on Thursday there will be a symposium on ER stress and the unfolded protein response in ocular health and disease......which is EXACTLY the topic of my thesis work.  So, I'm only sad that it will be AFTER my proposal is due, as it could be super helpful in writing that shit. 

That's all for now.  My life right now is that I spend the day at work being a bit stressed that I'm not getting far enough in my studying for the generals, and then going home and being amazingly content that everything there is so great.  So it balances, I guess?

Career

I've been thinking a lot lately about whether or not I am on the right path, career wise.  I mean, from the outside it looks like I am, but I'm just not so sure anymore.  I don't have the passion for research that I once did, and it is going to take a lot of passion to get through this semester and the years of dissertation BS that follow.  So, I'm trying to figure out if life outside of work just got in the way and ruined my drive, or if it just faded naturally and is just not to be.  Sucks to be soul searching when I'm supposed to be cramming cell biology knowledge into my head at an inhuman rate.

The Big D

Mike officially filed our divorce papers today.  I got a bit misty eyed last night driving them over to finish the signing process.  It wasn't really for the loss of it, it was for feeling foolish for getting married in the first place.  I loved my wedding--it was awesome possum and great fun.  But...I knew at the time when I did it that it wasn't right, I just refused to admit it to myself.  I knew at the time that I didn't want to lose D, and how better to lose your boyfriend than to get married to someone else?  It was foolish, and I'm sorry for everyone I hurt.

But, I have to admit, knowing this morning that it was filed, and the process really truly begun, it was a great sense of relief.  We can both move on and find what actually makes us happy, since unfortunately it wasn't each other.  And I, at least, can still look back on shiz like this with fond memories: