Bipolar

I'm switching back and forth a lot today.  Let's examine.

I am officially divorced, as of yesterday.  This is causing much of my mood swings.  I'm feeling nostalgic, relieved, depressed, happy, content, wistful, angry, loved, despised, etc etc.  I'm thinking of what I'm missing while marveling over what I have gained.  I'm stupidly stalking Facebook profiles while reading over sweet texts from the present.  I'm wearing my wedding ring and being sad that this lovely piece of jewelry a good friend made just for me will not get as much use as I had thought it would.  I'm looking forward to an awesome trip D and I are going on for my birthday weekend.  I'm enjoying the comfort of new friends while missing the comfort of lost friends.  I'm reading too much (or not enough?) into the silence of certain friends and family. 

Because the divorce was brought on by me, caused by my actions, I swiftly acted to make things "fair" and I think I've ended up screwing myself in many ways.  I'm paying half of his rent right now, and let him keep the better car, even though both cars were actually mine.  And now, the car I have is falling apart and looking like it will need $$$$ worth of repairs, which I can't really afford, as I'm looking at paying a deposit on a new apartment soon PLUS still paying half of his rent for 2 more months.  When he was sad and alone and everyone was looking towards me with glaring eyes, this felt right.  Now that he is officially in love with someone else, and I see him getting to spend money on going out when I can't afford to...it kinda sucks.  But this was what I agreed to, so shame on me?  I don't know anymore, I just want the final strings to be cut so that I can move on and not have to think of these things anymore.  I want that extra $325 a month to be able to save or spend as I like instead of throwing it down a hole that I get no enjoyment from.

But, at the same time as feeling all this shittiness, I'm really happy still.  I learned to cook a great dried fish stew, which I ate...and get this....ENJOYED last night.  For those of you who know my mother, she instilled in her children a deep seated loathing for the taste of anything that lives in water.  She gags at the smell of Long John Silvers and refuses to eat fried chicken from any place that now serves fish because she KNOWS that they are fried in the same oil and EW!  So, big step here.  We even put collard greens, cabbage, and asparagus in it---so it was a GREEN dried fish stew.  We also had goat meat peanut butter stew.  I'm going to be fat as hell if I don't start working out more soon. 

Nola went back to the Humane Society today.  We will miss that little asshole, but I won't miss how my legs are covered in scratches from her temper tantrums.  She was a little bitch when she didn't get her way, but of course only with me, not Derrick.  But still, we loved her.  D made me send her favorite toy and told me to be sure to let them know how he had trained her with snapping his fingers and how much she liked it.  Done.  Now to find homes for the swiftly growing kittens and mother that are stinking up our spare bedroom.

In other news, Happy Valentine's Day!