I should be a huge mess. Let's see what I've got on my plate, shall we? I'm still trucking away at my proposal for my general exam that is due Monday morning. I should have my slides finished to turn in tomorrow for a presentation next week (haven't even really looked at the data yet). I need to be gathering data together so that I can start working on my presentation for ARVO, the big international vision meeting I will be presenting at in May in Seattle. I need to plan said trip to ARVO in May. I need to try to plan an Ohio trip. A New Orleans trip. A Boston/Philly/Rhode Island trip. And, if time and money permits, although probably not, a California trip. I need to start studying in earnest for my 3 hour oral exam in which I'm expected to know every tiny thing about my project and every tiny thing about general Cell Biology and Molecular Biology that I've learned since starting graduate school. I need to finish moving from our apartment to our new house. I need to finish cleaning the new house. I need to get the old apartment cleaned by this Sunday. I need to finish separating the belongings from the apartment I shared with the ex and try to stop the fighting over these belongings that has been brewing. I need to move those separated belongings to the new house. I need to start on the garden at the new house before its too late. I need to plan a garage sale to get rid of a bunch of extra shit left at the new house and shit we don't need, plus to get some funds for all those trips I need to plan. I need to start on all those experiments in the lab that have been put off while I'm writing. I need to find time to spend with my dogs, who I really haven't spent time around in months. I'm helping my friend to feel better while she's dealing with the fact that she's either having a miscarriage, or possibly carrying a baby with any of several kinda scary birth defects and she won't know for weeks whether she needs to make a decision about whether to keep it or not. I'm sitting at the library cramping and bleeding without any "lady" supplies so I'm using toilet paper until I can get enough done on this proposal to feel better about going back home and finally eating a real meal today. Suddenly one of my sisters and one of my cousins aren't talking to me anymore (no real loss there but it is funny).
All I want to do is travel and make the new house awesome and spend time with the boyfriend, but I'll have to wait until at lead mid-May before I have any real time to spend on any of that. But you know what? I'm really not freaking out. Sure, I'm feeling some stress, but not the kind I had the entire first year of graduate school. The kind that made me sick and miserable. Its just the regular "I'm busy" kind. Its pretty nice actually, although I'm hoping that I'm at a good mid-point and not just in a major procrastination lull.
Anyway, it helps to have someone so calm living with me. I know that when I have no time, he'll be there to help with whatever I need. He can cook me delicious food while I study. He can help me finish moving and planting and cleaning. He's there to calm me when I start to get to a point of freakedoutness. Its a good thing.
Now, wish me luck. I have FINALLY figured out how to effectively use Endnote for my citations and it is a lifesaver. I'm in love with it, and now I must go use it to fill in all those pesky places where it says (ref???) at the end of the sentence. I must go finish my proposal so that I can focus on all those other things on my to do list!
My little corner of the world to get my thoughts out.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Taking Sides
I wondered what could cause people such anger in divorce that they would be willing to spend thousands of dollars in lawyer's fees fighting over belongings that would cost a fraction of that price to replace. I wondered why someone would spend bitter years of their life when they could just come to a shitty compromise and get it over with. I still wonder, but I can alllllmost see why.
Once you begin the painful process of separating many years of belongings that the two of you have accrued over the years, tempers are bound to flair. We are both trying to be civil, but at times this seems impossible and anger seems the only way. And so, things are said. Things that are true, actually, but still are said in such a way as to maximize damage to the other person.
All I can say to anyone who may be a sympathetic ear to either side in a breakup--remember this--generally, both sides are the victim and both sides are the bad guy. Relationships are complicated and messy and when you are hearing one side you always need to remember that it is just that--one side. So, I've done shitty things and I'm wrong. But, he's done shitty things and he is wrong. We are both right and we are both wrong. I find the most unfortunate aspect of this divorce for me is that in the beginning, I just wanted to stay quiet, take the blame, and be left alone. Which of course led to only his side being told, and almost every single one of my closest loved ones taking his side and trying (consciously or not) to shame me. But, I knew he was in pain, and I took it. I allowed that. But it would be a little nice now for people to realize that his side is not the entire story. I still refuse to stoop to airing our dirty laundry. It is no one's business. I just want you to know that there are things no one knows, and there are reasons I did the things I did. These reasons are not excuses, and do not mean that I am free from blame, but Jesus fucking Christ, people.....
I couldn't fall asleep last night I was so angry, and thus was late to work from sleeping in. And, in my tiredness, I decided to respond to an angry email in kind. Oh, it was a long rant going over years of heartache and frustration. All caused by anger over our record collection. But of course its never that simple in a divorce, is it?
Once you begin the painful process of separating many years of belongings that the two of you have accrued over the years, tempers are bound to flair. We are both trying to be civil, but at times this seems impossible and anger seems the only way. And so, things are said. Things that are true, actually, but still are said in such a way as to maximize damage to the other person.
All I can say to anyone who may be a sympathetic ear to either side in a breakup--remember this--generally, both sides are the victim and both sides are the bad guy. Relationships are complicated and messy and when you are hearing one side you always need to remember that it is just that--one side. So, I've done shitty things and I'm wrong. But, he's done shitty things and he is wrong. We are both right and we are both wrong. I find the most unfortunate aspect of this divorce for me is that in the beginning, I just wanted to stay quiet, take the blame, and be left alone. Which of course led to only his side being told, and almost every single one of my closest loved ones taking his side and trying (consciously or not) to shame me. But, I knew he was in pain, and I took it. I allowed that. But it would be a little nice now for people to realize that his side is not the entire story. I still refuse to stoop to airing our dirty laundry. It is no one's business. I just want you to know that there are things no one knows, and there are reasons I did the things I did. These reasons are not excuses, and do not mean that I am free from blame, but Jesus fucking Christ, people.....
I couldn't fall asleep last night I was so angry, and thus was late to work from sleeping in. And, in my tiredness, I decided to respond to an angry email in kind. Oh, it was a long rant going over years of heartache and frustration. All caused by anger over our record collection. But of course its never that simple in a divorce, is it?
Monday, March 18, 2013
Shit.
Yesterday I found out my nephew went to jail. Possibly for a while. And that the DA is pressing for his parents to press charges so that he can stay there longer. And that the plan right now is for him to not come home again, because everyone in the home is afraid of him. He's 17.
I'm angry. Angry at his parents, angry at the school, angry at the counselors and police officers and probation officers and therapists and everyone in his life who has failed him up to this point. Angry at the system, and how it is not able to handle difficult children. Unable to see mental issues early in a child's life and help them when there is still room to help them.
This is a sweet kid. And yes, it has been thrown around that he is only sweet when he needs to be and can be very manipulative. It has been hypothesized that he may be a sociopath, without real empathy or normal emotions. He's super smart, and knows that he is smarter than anyone else he lives with. Smarter than any of his parents or step-parents. But this is a kid that, from a young age, was made to feel unwanted. He was passed around between 2 sets of parents that could not handle him and had no idea how to help him. He had counselors and therapists that showed poor judgement. He had adults that for most of his life talked about him while he was in the room, as if he couldn't hear what they were saying about him.
It just makes me so sad that in the end, everyone is giving up on him. In the end, no one did the right things at the right time. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone in particular. This problem was additive. I think that his parents feel that I'm putting the blame solely on them, but this isn't true. For years they followed the advice of a shitty therapist, and they weren't educated enough to see that. They have other children they were worried about as well. They will never make parents of the year, but I do see that they tried. It just sucks that in the end, this kid will probably end up in prison for much of his life.
What we need in this country is to fight for better mental health programs. There is a horrible lack, and people that could be helped are not getting what they need. Children are being treated by throwing a mix of pills at them, and hoping something will stick. Good therapists, good facilities, are cost prohibitive for most families. Sometimes they just don't exist. You hope for the best when you sign up for the programs you can get/afford, but often these are awful or the employees just don't have the time to spend with these people. You want to fight school shootings? You want to decrease homelessness? Start from the source, and get these people help before tragedy strikes them or they inflict harm on others.
I'm angry. Angry at his parents, angry at the school, angry at the counselors and police officers and probation officers and therapists and everyone in his life who has failed him up to this point. Angry at the system, and how it is not able to handle difficult children. Unable to see mental issues early in a child's life and help them when there is still room to help them.
This is a sweet kid. And yes, it has been thrown around that he is only sweet when he needs to be and can be very manipulative. It has been hypothesized that he may be a sociopath, without real empathy or normal emotions. He's super smart, and knows that he is smarter than anyone else he lives with. Smarter than any of his parents or step-parents. But this is a kid that, from a young age, was made to feel unwanted. He was passed around between 2 sets of parents that could not handle him and had no idea how to help him. He had counselors and therapists that showed poor judgement. He had adults that for most of his life talked about him while he was in the room, as if he couldn't hear what they were saying about him.
It just makes me so sad that in the end, everyone is giving up on him. In the end, no one did the right things at the right time. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone in particular. This problem was additive. I think that his parents feel that I'm putting the blame solely on them, but this isn't true. For years they followed the advice of a shitty therapist, and they weren't educated enough to see that. They have other children they were worried about as well. They will never make parents of the year, but I do see that they tried. It just sucks that in the end, this kid will probably end up in prison for much of his life.
What we need in this country is to fight for better mental health programs. There is a horrible lack, and people that could be helped are not getting what they need. Children are being treated by throwing a mix of pills at them, and hoping something will stick. Good therapists, good facilities, are cost prohibitive for most families. Sometimes they just don't exist. You hope for the best when you sign up for the programs you can get/afford, but often these are awful or the employees just don't have the time to spend with these people. You want to fight school shootings? You want to decrease homelessness? Start from the source, and get these people help before tragedy strikes them or they inflict harm on others.
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