Thin Lyzard

Breaking up is a strange thing. People always say that the ripples are felt much further than you thought they would be, but jesus christ, some of this I did not expect. I am the bad guy in all of this, I'm fine with playing that part. I don't want to air my side of the story to anyone. He needs to, and he needs to do what he needs to do, but I am not going to go around defending myself and letting people know what he did wrong versus what I did wrong. If you want to blame me, go ahead. Everyone needs a scapegoat, and I am more than willing. If you decide that, based solely on the way that my relationship turned out, you no longer want to be in my life, that is your decision. I am not going to come after you and tell you about how fucked up my short lived marriage was. I made mistakes---huge mistakes. We will leave it at that. As for me, I'm swinging back and forth between fairly happy and fairly numb. Finals are over and I'm jumping right into massive lab work and preparing for the craziness of next semester. I'm trying, so hard, to deal with the massive amount of shit everyone is throwing my direction (some of it on purpose, others completely without knowing) when it comes to this breakup. So, I start to feel a little overwhelmed and my body reacts by either completely shutting down and feeling major apathy, or completely shoving away everything that makes me upset. So, I'm caught either emotionlessly reading papers for work and drudging through the day, or filling my time with frivolity and ignoring my phone while watching Christmas movies and bad TV. But I'm ok. When I get close to the edge of depression or despair, I've been able to pull back and find a happy place. I have goals that I want to reach, and they keep me in focus enough that I don't fall apart. The only problem is keeping up with anyone. Because of my mind's tendency to run from emotion, I do NOT want to talk to anyone seriously about anything right now, and so I'm mostly ignoring anyone I feel is going to bug me in that way. My plan for now is just to take them one at a time. So, just patiently wait your turn, I guess. :D That's all. I thought writing this might make me feel a little better, but it has succeeded in making me feel a little worse.