The Story

Look let's lay it all out, even though I don't know who actually reads this and what good if any it will do. I was in a very long term relationship. He is my family, my longest friend. I love him still and I always will, that is for certain. But things were falling apart, slowly but surely even though we didn't see it. I had decided that I was going to spend the rest of my life with this person. I meant that. But in the midst of all my unhappiness, my strong, long-held belief that everything in the relationship that was bad was my fault, and my awful self-esteem I started to yearn for something else. I started noticing that other people noticed me. It started with some fucking fast food guy who flirted with me and called me beautiful when I checked out. Really? Someone could think of me that way? It was stupid but I let myself go a little bit. But then I realized I was being stupid and pulled back before anything happened...this guy was gross. It happened several more times; people talking to me, flirting with me. I have never, ever been the kind of person that gets hit on. Or at least not that I ever noticed. So, it was a very new feeling for me. I had been feeling so miserable and so down on myself that any of it just made my day, my week. So, then there was a guy that was flirting with me who I actually thought was cute, and sweet. It started out fairly innocent but turned after a bit. I started deluding myself, thinking I could lead these two lives. I split my mind, and my personality, to an extent. I wouldn't even talk to my counselor about the other life, he was a part of one and not the other. But I still loved my fiancee. And so I married him, thinking I could keep leading this other life for a while and then figure it out later. By this point, my new relationship had serious feelings involved with it, and so, even though he didn't say anything, I hurt him immensely when I got married. But he did not say anything, even when asked, because he wanted me to do what I wanted and needed to do, without any pushing from him either way. And so, stupidly, I got married while engaging in an affair. It is awful and fairly unforgivable. It is embarrassing and shameful. It ended up hurting so many people. I loved my wedding. It was the best night of my life. I have never felt so surrounded by love, and I have never had so much fun. When I said my vows that day I fully believed every word. I love that man, I really do. But love is not enough, sometimes. Things add up, make this giant pile of bullshit. And suddenly, you find yourself unable to carry on with a relationship that makes you feel like a piece of shit. It wasn't his fault, it wasn't my fault, it was our fault. It was made of up misunderstandings, not knowing ourselves, blindness, ignorance, and apathy. I moved in with "the other man". This was an asshole move, but really, I have nowhere else to go, other than crashing on a succession of friends' couches, which--with school right now--would make me fall apart. Plus, he and I truly do care about each other. We make it work. We compromise, we fight and then make up, we enjoy each other's company. I'm in a new relationship, and yes, all this may pass. We may grow tired of each other, we may not work out. But I've figured out that being alone is not the end of the world. It is far better than staying in a toxic marriage that will make me miserable for the rest of my life. I'm sorry to those that I have hurt, especially my soon to be ex-husband. He is in a lot of pain, and that is killing me. The friends that I know I am losing will leave a hole in my heart. I hate that his family and mine are saddened by all of this. But I just want you to know that although I made awful mistakes, and this all should have gone down completely differently, I do think that where I am now will be a better place than where I was before. And if I'm wrong? I now know that I do have the strength to figure it out and do what is right for me. I will be happy. As for other things, when my husband found out about my affair, I told him things to make him feel better. I didn't realized some of these falsehoods would come back to bite me in the ass so bad. This new man is not a horrible person. He treats me well and with respect. He feels bad for being with me when I was taken. Ok, I've been sleeping poorly, so I hope this conveys what I intended it to. I hope we can all get past this and get to our happy place. I'm an asshole and I'm sorry that others are in pain because I couldn't get my shit together.