Ass Burgers

Its no secret that I have difficulty processing strong emotions. They either overwhelm me, or I shut them off. Its funny, there are a lot of psychologists now that believe this is what is wrong with many children on the autism spectrum, especially those with Aspberger's: they feel emotion too strongly from a young age, it is too intense for them, and so they turn it off. Ok, I digress. I'm cycling right now. I'm doing a lot of unhealthy avoidance (not calling my father back even though I had like 6 missed calls from him). I'm very upset, then I'm very content, then I'm completely numb. Yesterday was a lovely day, truly, it was very relaxing and comforting and fun. But underneath the entire day ran a little river of anxiety. I've found in the past 2 weeks that it is manifesting itself by a little prickle at the back of my neck. My neck feels hot, or itchy, or just strange. Its like a little reminder that no matter how much I'm enjoying that minute, there's still so much to fret about. Christmas break should be interesting. I'm not looking forward to most of it, but I am glad to get to see my brothers. And my lovely sisters-in-law. But I don't want to explain anything. I don't want to talk about any of it. I don't know who should know what, and how much to divulge, and what will be said. I feel like the emotional parts of my brain are atrophying. I'm killing them with lack of oxygen. A large part of me would like that, a constant numbness. But I know that's silly, and I need to start the process of cultivating feelings again. It will be painful, it is all so raw and it hurts to even look at it, much less dig around to try to mend it. Plus I have made myself so alone in this--I have people I can talk to about aspects of my life, but not one person right now that I'm fully honest with about everything. I've lost that, and I need to find a way to trust someone enough to gain it back. We'll see.