I have had an abortion.

More people need to know this.  More people need to speak up and say it.  More people need to realize that one in three American women have had one.  More people need to realize that 70% of abortions in America are performed on Christians.

Let me tell you about my abortion.  Let me tell you about what was wrong, and what needs to change.

I was 16 and stupid.  My mother wouldn't talk to me after she found out.  She told me I had no choice, abortion or nothing.  I resented this for years, this lack of choice.  Its funny, when so many people have to resent the opposite choice.  I would have come to this decision on my own, but being told that it was not my decision to make, about my own body, was infuriating--especially at an age where you want freedom from your parents.

My boyfriend was supportive.  He got his very first job just so he could pay for half of it.  Before we told our parents I had extensively researched everything.  I found that abortions in Oklahoma would end up costing about $2000, which none of us could afford.  But the Planned Parenthood in California could do it for $300.  So, a plan was made after the parents were told that I would have to wait until summer vacation, and get an abortion while pretending to enjoy family time and lovely weather on the west coast.

Before I went to California, I spent several days with my grandparents.  I had morning sickness the entire time, and could barely keep anything down.  My brother tried to help me, telling me not to order the tub of popcorn and Twizzlers at the movie theater....which I ended up puking up in the middle of the X-Files movie.  Had thrown up strawberry waffles that morning--this day resulted in me hating my favorite fruit for many months.

Once in California, we made excuses for the younger cousins, who went to spend the day at the water park. My mother, grandmother, and aunt accompanied me to the clinic.  It was inside a large building, and you had to check in through the bullet proof glass window that made it feel like a dirty late night convenience store.  Give them your money (all of my savings plus my boyfriend's savings from McDonald's), go through the metal detector and the double bullet-proof glass doors, and sit in the waiting room silently while my other family members tried to talk to my mother.

I had this idea of the baby, we had named "her" Aubrey.  I carried a little ceramic bear with me, imagining that her soul would go into it.  I still have the bear, even though the thought of all of that seems so silly now.

I was called back alone, scared shitless.  I logically know the place was clean and sterile, but in my memory it is dark and dirty.  I peed into a cup for the pregnancy test, put on the hospital gown, and waited.  Then they did an ultrasound, which the nurse made sure I could not see.  She put in my IV.  I had never had an IV before and I hated it.  Then, the doctor came in.  I don't remember whether he talked to me or not, I just remember trying not to pay attention.  When the suction started it hurt like hell, but I've always had horribly painful period cramps so it wasn't anything too awful for me.  The worst was seeing the red going down into the tube that led to a biohazard bag.  Thinking that it was a baby and it was going to be nothing but waste.

After it was done I laid in a bed for them to check my bleeding.  I was so nauseous and woozy.  I was alone, even though there was another girl on the bed beside mine.  She was throwing up.  I never did.

The nurse sent me on my way with a bag of condoms, which my mother promptly took from me.  My aunt told her to let me keep them so this didn't happen again, but she didn't.  I went home, where Mom gave me Valium and let me call my boyfriend for just a minute.  Then I slept the rest of the day.

I didn't get to have much fun on the rest of the vacation.  The pills they put me on afterwards made me sensitive to sunlight, and the doctor had told me not to do much strenuous activity.

My blood type is A-, which no one knew at the time.  I should have had an RH factor shot to make sure I won't have miscarriages in the future.  I got one a week later, but I'm still scared this was too late.  I should probably figure that out.

I was supposed to have a follow up appointment to make sure everything was ok, but I never did get one.

In the end, I'm glad I had an abortion.  At this point in my life I would have a 15 year old child.  Can you imagine?  I sure as hell can't.

But I will tell you this.  They could make it easier.  The fucking protesters that force the clinics to become prison-like to keep out the guns and bombs.  How are you pro-life if every time a woman goes to the clinic she has to worry about being murdered?

And the stigma has got to stop.  You know someone who has had an abortion.  In fact, you probably know many people.  But all of us feel so alone, because none of us speak up.  So I'm here to say, I've had an abortion, I'm glad I did, and if I could I would do it over again (well, ideally I would have used protection every time in high school, but hey).

The most important thing here is that we need comprehensive sexual education for all children.  We are built, biologically, to want sex.  If you think just telling your kid "don't do it" will cut it, think again.  I had no, NO sexual education of any kind.  My family never talked about it.  It was never mentioned in school.  I didn't even know the penis inserted INTO the vagina until about a year before I lost my virginity.  Wonder why I didn't fully understand the sperm/egg interaction enough to not get pregnant?  If you do not teach them, you are left with children that believe things like "you get pregnant when you swallow the sperm" or "you can't get pregnant your first time".

I'm not sure how to effectively end this.  Here are the links that led me to write this today:

http://www.vice.com/read/about-my-abortion?utm_source=vicefbus

http://katrinagalore.blogspot.com/2008/11/no-one-ever-changes-their-mind-about.html

http://bitchmagazine.org/article/full-frontal-offense/

They are trying to take away our rights.  They are trying, every day, to tell us what we can do with our own bodies.  The only way to fight this is to speak up.  To demand change.  To show them that we will not be beaten down and treated like second class citizens.

Now, I'm going to go finish work so I can enjoy my sun filled, relaxing birthday weekend in the woods.