Hippy Shit

I still have a lot of holdovers from my full-blown vegetarian, donating to PETA, crying over how no one recycles, spending all my money on Burt's Bees phase in undergrad.  I believe in the phrase "if its yellow let it mellow."  I feel awful when I have to throw away recyclables, and I've implemented a recycling program in our lab.  I drink green smoothies for breakfast.  I cut up old shitty socks to use as rags instead of throwing them away.  Etc, etc, etc. 

There's a few things though, that I would like to explain the reasons behind.  I've probably already explained them several times in my life, but bear with me here, since they're important to me, dammit!  I've lost a lot of the pure passion I had in my 20s, but I still feel it in relation to certain things (abortion and decriminalization of drugs being two I won't be discussing today).

Let's start with makeup and shaving, shall we?  I first decided to throw away all my makeup and to stop my daily shaving when I read the book Reviving Ophelia--Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls.  Now, I haven't read this book since....oh, 2002 I believe, so I can't tell you much of what I learned from it.  If I ever have a daughter, I will definitely revisit it.  But what I do know is that it made me look over my own issues with low self esteem, and I decided to take action.  See, for me, makeup was a mask that I put on when I felt that I wasn't good enough.  It wasn't to accentuate my good feautures, it wasn't just to cover blemishes, it was to cover my real face because I felt it wasn't good enough.  And shaving was always a source of anxiety for me.  For one thing, I'm just awful at it.  I don't have the patience.  This makes me laugh now, but then, seeing hairs on my legs I had missed or knowing how fast my armpit hair grew and that I'd have a damn five o'clock shadow even when I shaved them in the morning before school made me feel like less of a girl, less of a woman.  I put on makeup when I felt bad, and it did nothing to up my confidence.  I shaved and felt like it was never good enough.  So, after realizing these things, I vowed not to do them unless it was for myself, only myself, and only if it had nothing to do with low self esteem.  I vowed to learn to love myself, love my face, love my hairy legs, love my hairy pits.  And, over the years, I have definitely succeeded in these things.  I'm not saying my self esteem is perfect, but I look in the mirror, and even though I still have acne at 30 (WHAT THE FUCK!? they promised it would be gone when I hit 20!) I see that my face is pretty, and I like it.  I see my natural body hair and I see that is is not something that makes me less female, less woman.  Its just me.  (now....I do get rid of my facial hair...for those Sikh women who can see their beauty past their mustaches and beards, bless you....I don't think a beard would be attractive on me, and since I was born with dark hair I would have a nice little shitstache and gross patchy beard if I didn't take measures against them.) 

I do wear makeup now occasionally, and I do sometimes shave (when I get to my most frequent periods, its still at most once a month for my legs and once a year for the armpits).  But I'm blessed to have found men in my life that see my beauty and are thankful that it isn't covered with creams and powders.  They like to kiss my face and not taste foundation or lipstick.  Derrick made my heart sing when he first said "So you don't wear makeup?  I like that."  And when I asked him whether he would rather me shave more, he just told me that I should do what I feel like doing.  Really, the only times I've found myself doing these things with the wrong intentions is when I'm having a girl's night.  I find that girls are much more openly judgemental about these things.  But, that's why I focus on surrounding myself with women who are awesome.  :-P

The point of this is not to say that everyone should stop wearing makeup and embrace their true hirsute selves.  What I truly want is for none of it to be a big deal.  For no one to feel that they HAVE to shave their legs every day when summer hits.  For no one to have to feel that the first thing they need to do in the morning is "put on their face".  For everyone to do what they want to do when they want to do it and feel no pressure for fitting in with a certain standard of beauty.  If you absolutely love putting on makeup and spending all your money and time on that shit, go for it girl!  It can be fun!  But if you wake up one morning and really don't feel like taking the time, go in to work bare faced and embrace it!  If you are showering and realize your razor sucks, just leave those legs as is and rock it.  Fuck society's expectations.  Flaunt your beauty in the way that makes you feel most amazing.  Don't hide behind anything.  If you're at a Mardi Gras parade yelling for beads and the guy sees your pit hair and shakes his head at you (true story), flip him off, laugh, and go for the next fucking float.  You got enough beads anyway.

I just want women to realize that they are all beautiful in their own way and that they don't have to spend all their time and money on creams, powders, surgery, tattoos, laser hair removal, tweezing, plucking, worrying, standing in front of the mirror scrutinizing, etc, etc, etc.  Do what you want, when you want, and love yourself.  

Note--I make jokes that my mother must have done something very wrong or very right in raising us, since her only daughter has hairy armpits, cannot for the life of her put on eyeliner, and has no idea how to style hair, while her only son shaves his entire body, and can actually walk in high heels.

Woah.  Just found out the singer from The Weeknd has the same hair as Derrick, just shorter (and therefore, less crazy....and less awesome?).

Ok, I've rambled enough.  I've spent far too many hours (on a Saturday) doing immunofluorescence staining and reading, reading, reading in preparation for my written proposal.  So the brain is a bit fuzzy at this point.

Bipolar

I'm switching back and forth a lot today.  Let's examine.

I am officially divorced, as of yesterday.  This is causing much of my mood swings.  I'm feeling nostalgic, relieved, depressed, happy, content, wistful, angry, loved, despised, etc etc.  I'm thinking of what I'm missing while marveling over what I have gained.  I'm stupidly stalking Facebook profiles while reading over sweet texts from the present.  I'm wearing my wedding ring and being sad that this lovely piece of jewelry a good friend made just for me will not get as much use as I had thought it would.  I'm looking forward to an awesome trip D and I are going on for my birthday weekend.  I'm enjoying the comfort of new friends while missing the comfort of lost friends.  I'm reading too much (or not enough?) into the silence of certain friends and family. 

Because the divorce was brought on by me, caused by my actions, I swiftly acted to make things "fair" and I think I've ended up screwing myself in many ways.  I'm paying half of his rent right now, and let him keep the better car, even though both cars were actually mine.  And now, the car I have is falling apart and looking like it will need $$$$ worth of repairs, which I can't really afford, as I'm looking at paying a deposit on a new apartment soon PLUS still paying half of his rent for 2 more months.  When he was sad and alone and everyone was looking towards me with glaring eyes, this felt right.  Now that he is officially in love with someone else, and I see him getting to spend money on going out when I can't afford to...it kinda sucks.  But this was what I agreed to, so shame on me?  I don't know anymore, I just want the final strings to be cut so that I can move on and not have to think of these things anymore.  I want that extra $325 a month to be able to save or spend as I like instead of throwing it down a hole that I get no enjoyment from.

But, at the same time as feeling all this shittiness, I'm really happy still.  I learned to cook a great dried fish stew, which I ate...and get this....ENJOYED last night.  For those of you who know my mother, she instilled in her children a deep seated loathing for the taste of anything that lives in water.  She gags at the smell of Long John Silvers and refuses to eat fried chicken from any place that now serves fish because she KNOWS that they are fried in the same oil and EW!  So, big step here.  We even put collard greens, cabbage, and asparagus in it---so it was a GREEN dried fish stew.  We also had goat meat peanut butter stew.  I'm going to be fat as hell if I don't start working out more soon. 

Nola went back to the Humane Society today.  We will miss that little asshole, but I won't miss how my legs are covered in scratches from her temper tantrums.  She was a little bitch when she didn't get her way, but of course only with me, not Derrick.  But still, we loved her.  D made me send her favorite toy and told me to be sure to let them know how he had trained her with snapping his fingers and how much she liked it.  Done.  Now to find homes for the swiftly growing kittens and mother that are stinking up our spare bedroom.

In other news, Happy Valentine's Day! 

Social Media

Oh, the age of the internet.  There are so many social faux pas to be made.  The etiquette ladies haven't yet caught up with how to be polite and professional on the Twitters and shiz.  So, I'm having to find my way around divorce in this lovely time.  To delete all photos that are evidence of past relationship or not?  I mean, they are a part of my personal history but at the same time my soon to be ex-husband just deleted his entire Facebook account to clear his pictures.  So, I went through a small cleaning spree today and cleared out a lot, but I find myself unable to delete everything.  I mean, for godsakes it was half of my life thus far.  So, we'll see.

In other news....not much.  Still have the foster cat, and the vet hasn't called me back to schedule her last check-up, so we'll have her a bit longer.  Still have a mother cat and 6 now very hungry kittens in the spare bedroom, and all of the kittens now have bald spots from ringworm.  Oh joy.  Still not studying enough for my qualifiers this semester.  Still loving my life (outside of work and school, that is).  Still not sure of how to dial international numbers as I sit here staring at the weird phone number on this pen I have from Derrick's dad's company.

I'll be going to Seattle in May for my very first ARVO conference (The Association for Research in Vision and Opthamology).  I'm getting pretty excited about it as I get more packets in the mail and info in my email.  I'll have to get some "professional" clothes together for this shiz, hope they weren't part of the clothes stolen from my car!  The conference itself should kick ass (except for the whole presenting for the first time at the "largest gathering of eye and vision researchers in the world), but also I'm super excited to go to Seattle, since I've never been up there.  Woohoo!  I'm definitely planning on taking a few extra days to see the sights, even though it will still be during general exam time and I'm sure my PI won't be too pleased with me....heh.  Anyway the best part of the conference is that on Thursday there will be a symposium on ER stress and the unfolded protein response in ocular health and disease......which is EXACTLY the topic of my thesis work.  So, I'm only sad that it will be AFTER my proposal is due, as it could be super helpful in writing that shit. 

That's all for now.  My life right now is that I spend the day at work being a bit stressed that I'm not getting far enough in my studying for the generals, and then going home and being amazingly content that everything there is so great.  So it balances, I guess?

Career

I've been thinking a lot lately about whether or not I am on the right path, career wise.  I mean, from the outside it looks like I am, but I'm just not so sure anymore.  I don't have the passion for research that I once did, and it is going to take a lot of passion to get through this semester and the years of dissertation BS that follow.  So, I'm trying to figure out if life outside of work just got in the way and ruined my drive, or if it just faded naturally and is just not to be.  Sucks to be soul searching when I'm supposed to be cramming cell biology knowledge into my head at an inhuman rate.

The Big D

Mike officially filed our divorce papers today.  I got a bit misty eyed last night driving them over to finish the signing process.  It wasn't really for the loss of it, it was for feeling foolish for getting married in the first place.  I loved my wedding--it was awesome possum and great fun.  But...I knew at the time when I did it that it wasn't right, I just refused to admit it to myself.  I knew at the time that I didn't want to lose D, and how better to lose your boyfriend than to get married to someone else?  It was foolish, and I'm sorry for everyone I hurt.

But, I have to admit, knowing this morning that it was filed, and the process really truly begun, it was a great sense of relief.  We can both move on and find what actually makes us happy, since unfortunately it wasn't each other.  And I, at least, can still look back on shiz like this with fond memories:

Mountains

Is it weird that I alternately think of this blog as either my diary or an open letter to my cousin?  Meh.  (hey Alyssa!)

This. Weekend. Was. Awesome!  Derrick's boss is on vacation, so he actually had the whole weekend off.  So, after seeing some pretty pictures posted by classmates that went on a trip last week, I decided at the last minute to check on hiking at Quartz Mountain way out in southwest OK.  I wanted to camp, but considering I have absolutely zero winter camping gear and not too much money with which to buy it right now, I found instead that the lodge there has pretty damn cheap rates in the winter.  Score!

We set out Saturday with a mind to go through Chickasha to see Mom, but she was gone so we just ate Roy's instead.  For those of you not from Chickasha...my god.  Roy's is the shiz.  Lots of people go to Jake's Rib when they're in Chickentown--its bigger, fancier (not fancy mind you, it is Chickasha after all), and you get a SHIT ton of food.  But, it is nothing compared to little Roy's over on East side.  My poor African, when we were getting out of the car, assumed it would be like most of the small towns we visit on our weekend trips and said "Wanna bet there won't be any black people in there besides me?"  I had to say, oh hon, this place is owned by a black family and its on the black side of town.  Chickasha has plenty of African-Americans, we just (sadly) are very segregated and pretty much all of them live east of 4th street.  It has to be interesting coming from a place where there are pretty much no whites and then moving to Oklahoma.  Anyway, lunch was delicious, he loved it, they were very sweet to us as always, and good times were had.  We even had enough to pack for a hiking snack later that day, as seen here:

(also seen, the 'flower' I picked for him that he wore in his hair most of the day)
Then, on to Quartz Mountain! I took the scenic route through Anadarko, showing him how depressing that town is, got to see Gotebo and teach him how to say it with the correct Okie accent, then past that to areas of the state I've never been.  The giant town of Hobart was fun, with its big time stores like Sonic and the like.  Then we started to see actual mountains!  I didn't realize these were part of the Wichita mountain range, that I'm so used to climbing down in Lawton.  550 million years old!  That's why they're not so tall, the Rocky Mountains are only 70 million years old--lots less erosion time.  Geology!

Anyway, we were very pleased by the scenery, and drove through admiring everything before checking into our adorable hotel room.  Second story balcony overlooking the lake!  Rustic wood bedframe!  Super comfy down comforter and pillows!  HOT TUB!  Indoor pool!  Fireplace in the lobby!  We were smitten.  We will be back to stay more than one night, fo sho.

So, off we went to our first trail, where we hiked our first mountain straight up to the top.  It kicked our ass, but I was proud of myself for my chunky ass keeping pace with his skinny ass. 

(I only have a few pictures from the weekend on my phone, the rest are on his, so you won't have 500 to look through today.  And yes, we hike with our Daisy BB gun.  And stop to pose with it.)
After we found a group of deer, ate our Roy's snack, and took a walk along the beach, where we noticed that the fish kill warning was very true.  There has been a large algae bloom killing off large numbers of them.  Derrick was sad that they weren't getting eaten.  Then, when we were set to walk out on the dock, what did we notice but a giganto catfish floating a bit offshore!  So, he decided we needed to make steps and go "catch" it.  Done.

We went back to the hotel, and had an amazing dinner with drinks in front of the fireplace.  The staff thought we were a little strange for wanting to eat at the coffee table by the fire, but they found Derrick pretty hilarious and humored us.  We talked past, present, and future, and relaxed for a time.  Then went, rather tipsy and far too full, to swim in the indoor heated pool and lounge in the hot tub.  Despite the inevitable nausea, it still was relaxing and felt great. 

The next day we had a great breakfast at the hotel (thanks to our server for not charging us for half the shit we ordered and then offering us more for free--dude got a great tip), made a bacon sandwich for another hiking snack, and checked out.  Then we went back to the beach and climbed the rocks there and sat watching the waves, the birds, and the sun until we were about ready to nap.  Said bye to our poor catfish that was still sitting untouched on the beach (those are the most well fed birds ever).  Then went and climbed Baldy Point.  It was a bit scarier than the other mountain; the rocks were much bigger and a lot of them were wet from runoff.  But, it was beautiful, and we stumbled upon a geocache!  It was pretty awesome to read through the logbook, look through the container and choose what to take (D took a little toy skateboard), and then look through our bag for what to leave (an emergency blanket from Mom--D included a lil note that said "Stay warm! <3 Lynsie and Derrick, thanks Malea!").  We've decided to look more into geocaching, we could do it easily on our weekend trips.  When we had almost reached the summit of ole Baldy Derrick stumbled and put his hand right onto a cactus.  It hurt my stomach to see all those gigantic thorns coming out of his hand.  I think if it would have been me I would have looked at my hand and immediately puked.

Then we headed back home and Mom made us dinner and watched part of a Rupaul's Dragrace marathon with us. Good times, he wasn't even scared away by the plethora of cats surrounding him.  Or the barky pushy little jerk dogs.  Ha! 

Then back home to rent and watch Dredd, and pass out early with my muscles already getting sore from hiking 2 mountains. 

I added a couple new sections to my "Life" section over there.  Since we go hiking so much I like to remember the last place we went.  And, I'm constantly trying to learn new words--especially in Ewe, Derrick's first language.  But I also occasionally learn some Mandarin from Hongwei or Nepali from Arjun, or even some Ga or Twi--two other Ghanaian languages that D knows fairly well.  It helps to write out the things I learn, otherwise they'll just slip away from me.  So, the last, that amuses me, is the word for flipflops--chale wote (pronounced like cha-lay woh-tay).  Chale is a word people call each other, like bro or man.  Wote means let's go.  So, its literally "man, let's go!"  Which is an awesome word for flipflops.  My other favorite is mede ku ku (pronounced like muh duh kookoo), which is literally kind of like "I beg you" but really just means please.  Say it.  Its fun.

Life is amazing.  Really.  Beyond just my life with D and my family and friends, I feel really good about work and school for the first time in months.  I was going back and forth trying to decide if I actually have the passion I really need to do this for a living and to finish my thesis, and I've realized that it doesn't matter.  I want to try to see this PhD through to the end, but I don't feel trapped into it anymore.  I felt for a time that I had committed to this and I would foolish if I needed or wanted to quit.  Now, it is my curiosity driving me forward.  Can I do this?  Will my project be fruitful?  It is just my wonder keeping me in it, which is awesome.  It is no longer the thought of what anyone will think of me if I fail.  Because even if I do, people will still love me, I won't be any less smart, and my life will still be amazing.  I don't need a lot of money or prestige, but if I get it, hey!  That'll be awesome!  If not, Derrick and I can still go hiking and still go have a nice dinner with my mom.  And I'll be fine.

Stunted

I am emotionally stunted.  I have no idea how to talk to people, and my ability to carry out a healthy, adult relationship is pretty shaky.  At best.  But I'm trying to learn, god dammit!  After the crash and burn and utter stupidity in the way I ended my last relationship, I'm determined to start out right with this one.  If it starts with a strong base and fails because of other reasons, we can say we gave it a real try. 

So, yeah.  The past week was one of me being super upset over a plethora of small things that added up to make a Big Thing, and I was then paralyzed by it and unable to talk about any of it.  Then it exploded into ugliness.  Then....we worked it out.  In a nice, talking it out calmly, listening to each other and each meeting in the middle kind of way that I've never seen happen before in any of my relationships (ha...this is only my third for godsakes).  It was brilliant.  So yeah.  I'm happy as a fucking otter (clams just don't look happy to me, otters are always out being awesome and having a great time).  I know its cheesy and barf inducing, but every day I'm excited that I get to go home and see this guy.  Every night I feel at home and safe because I get to fall asleep with him.  And I look forward to every weekend that I get to hang out with him, even if its just sitting on the couch.  I feel like no matter how much my (soon-to-be)ex-husband and I cared for each other, we fed off each other's bad qualities.  They were magnified when they were put together.  Now I feel like D and I bring out each other's good sides.  I exercise more because we both want to spend time outdoors.  I eat better because we enjoy cooking together.  I laugh more because he's ridiculous.  And so on and so forth.

So, maybe this old girl can learn new tricks?  Maybe everyone that told me their 30s were way better than their 20s were right after all.  My first year was stressful and poopy, but this year is going pretty damn swimmingly. 

In other news, we're going to Quartz Mountain tomorrow to hike and stay in the lodge for a super cheap winter rate. 

In other other news, I got the comments back on my pre-proposal and there is only one tiny portion one of my committee members wants me to change.  Another member (the one I look up to the most) just said "Great!  Nothing needs to be changed, I look forward to working with you and seeing how this project turns out!"  And a third gave me a detailed list of notes on every part of the paper, which is amazing and will really help me when I'm turning this little 2 page pre-proposal into a Big Fat 10 Page Proposal with References and all that shiz.  Yay!

Ok, off to inject mice, take retinas, and then go get groceries to take hiking.